'where we are now' remus lupin & regulus black

Chamber of reflection

"No use looking out, it's within that brings that lonely feeling. Understand that when you leave here, you'll be clear, among the better men. Alone again."
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I don't remember much about that night; after apperating out of Regulus Blacks room. All that remains is a flashback of being greeted by my surprised mother. I childishly faked sick.

A fake smile. A fake gag. An excuse not to stick around.

A hazy memory of my mom shortly after, knocking on the door of the bathroom to ask if I was okay. Which I didn't reply to; my back sitting firmly against the wooden door, after irritatingly pulling of the clothes Regulus provided me and sitting numb, freezing cold in my underwear on the cold tile floor. The tips of my toes turning blotchy and lilac. Only finding the energy to go to bed after I was sure not to be bothered. When I was sure of a guaranteed few hours of solitude before my mom came barging up in the early hours of the morning, demanding to know why I was there.

A recent memory of light starting to stream through my windows, accompanied by the sound of my door opening. A mumble of 'I'm not hungover, mother.' passing my sleep deprived lips, as my mom rummaged through my room looking for bottles of alcohol.

It was not actually clear to me if the words I had said in my head, formed properly and was auditory out loud.

It's as if after that moment, when she had walked away. After that moment, pulling my blankets up to my ears with a ringing pressure of adrenaline in them. Covering myself in silent sobs and sinking to the darkest depths of my mind. In those moments every sense I had was in the end turned off. Muted. Paused.

A series of events that left me with nothing but numbness.

I'm an empty shell of the person I was before those moments. Not truly present yet; off somewhere else now, but where I wasn't quite clear yet.

But it is empty, echoing, unhopeful, comforting and familiar all at once.

Everyone was gone, to me, at least.

My ring, letters, belongings lingering behind to remind me they weren't just figments of my imagination.

It felt like just that, like I had imagined these past months and had finally snapped out of it. Lust had made me hazy, weak. Now I was seeing the world perfectly clear and it was cruel, unforgiving. Exactly how its always been. My walls have just been lowered. My guard let down.

My house was quiet. Beyond quiet, like a dark room after a nightmare. Like when the rest of the house is soundly sleeping and yet you sense something alive and awake lingering in the darkness. You're in a half state of dream and reality, but which one is which?

You sense that heaviness in the dark, a faceless fear.

You cant see it, you cant touch it, taste it or hear it. But there's no doubting it's there.

This is the best way I can describe the despair they left me.

I feel trapped between the realms of reality and forces of the mind. Struggling to differentiate which action, which word, which moment belonged to what. Nothing matter's the same it did before those moments.

If I listened closely, I could hear the rattle of the metal framed window across from my bed.

If I listened closely, I could hear my own blood pump at a steady pace around my body.

I finally got up from my heavy poison on my bed. My legs feeling static and swollen from lack of movement. Not even flinching when my feet made contact with the cold floor, like I had done the night before.

A few years ago my father came home with tears in his eyes; he never cried at home. Crying was for the weak and weakness was to be kept private.

He knew I was familiarizing myself with the pain in them. Hesitantly adapting to an emotion I felt was forbidden.

He knew I was watching, absorbing how he was fighting against his own instinct to hide. He was always so observant, much more than I or my mother, despite how sharp witted they both were.

Dusty brown and dull, that's what his eyes looked like. A flooding of salty water taunting his by threating to fall with each blink, but never actually giving him the satisfaction of falling.

I remember how he grabbed my hand and squeezed it. I was confused at the gesture. No malice involved. A gesture of hope and sadness combined. He lowered his voice and height to speak to me.

"Promise me you'll never let anyone break your heart, but if they do...don't turn bitter and break others for sport. It'll never fix how you really feel, it'll only hurt those you once or could've loved." He had said to me. I was uncomfortable at the foreign conversation.

I didn't understand it all, too naïve and stupid for my own good.

The sarcasm stripped, a sullen softness replacing it. A softness that wasn't fragile. but wise. He was beginning to truly feel.

I think my fathers knew how toxic our environment was. Too bad my mother became an alcoholic before she could truly change.

He knew what he was doing allowing me to see his pain in that moment though. He was trying to set me free.

Letting me know there's feelings stronger than fear and hate. I never understood why his life had to go to waste. He was stronger than me.

He loved when the loving hurt.

He loved when the loving brought joy.

He loved when the loving wasn't returned.

Hell, both of my parents.

Even if they sucked at showing it.

I do love Remus. I don't want to love Remus, but if Im going to listen to my fathers advice, which landed deaf to my mothers ears, I have to apperciate all that Remus has done for me and not expect anything else in return. I had to set him free, like my father did me.

He made me realise I'm capable of feeling much more than fear and hate. Triggered those feelings that, like my father, made me a threat to my family. It's about time I planned my own travels to find love in any shape or form.

Remus Lupin, has changed me.

For better.

For worse.

For it all.

And for nothing.

He showed me what it looks like when the loving is painful but the suffering is easy.

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filler chapter-ish sorry if it's boring, this is more of what cordelias depression is like/ has been like

i just want to make sure it's emphasized how much she's going through it lmao

song: chamber of reflection by mac demarco