WikiGirl

Chapter 74

In Jimin's view, there was no human that he considered to be unscared and thus the common misery within everyone, contradictory made him feel positive for it made life so much more interesting. After all, he could never predict, what beautiful put together art piece, one could turn out to be. Imagination was limitless, creation was limitless and the ways humans fight to live on were always unpredictable. And that itself was reassuring to him.

Yet when it came to himself, due to the situation he was in mentally, that same fact made him fearful, for inside him were personalities that had their own mind, their own scares and broken pieces. How would they evolve was something he could not predict and if his creation of the mess that he was, was gonna outshine theirs, was something he could never know.

"One way or another, they all hold a part of you. The day you make peace with them, will be the day you will set yourself free." A sentence his psychiatrist had once told him, escaped his lips in a low murmur as it crossed his mind, setting him in the same usual denial within him, for even though he was aware that she was right, admitting to that fact, left him in pain.

His personalities were different from each other but they had a common component and that was the fact that Jimin disliked them all. He disliked how manipulative and egoistic P1 was, how self-destructive and miserably sad P2 was, and how heartless and cold P3 could get. They were all things that he didn't want to be, at least not intentionally.

But simultaneously the emptiness that he was, was also something he disliked about himself. Nothing could hurt him truly anymore. Every new stub he gets leaves him disappointed but not really hurt. The ability to feel sad had left him completely, the ability to feel emotions in a noticeable magnitude to him. Everything was so dull and faded in impact and the only thing that kept him lively was his acting. His stubbornness to fool himself and hang on hope.

Not everyone is the same, not everyone will be bad for him. Not all will treat him wrong. There just had to be someone out there that was to prove his lies towards himself true. There had to be someone that would love him sincerely without expecting any benefits from him, there had to be someone who he could love without ever regretting that fact. Someone who he could allow himself to truly feel that feeling fully, instead of boosting that faded feeling of liking within him, and creating a deception that will only hurt him later on.

He was sick of it, even if he kept repeating the circle knowingly. He was tired but that hope was something he just couldn't leave alone. Surely this reckless behaviour of his towards love could be seen as an obsession or even a disease itself, but he could never make anyone understand well enough how he truly felt towards that, for none of them was him. They didn't know how it was to be someone that even though had a million reasons to hate humans, hate love and hate life, he had chosen to hang on to that so-called illusion of love while waiting to feel alive again.

Maybe it was too much or maybe it was not even enough, but it was all he had and all that kept him from surrendering to the mess that goes in inside his mind and soul.

A sudden loud sound became the reason his focus got disturbed and he snapped out of those deep thoughts he had dived in, making him tear his eyes from the ceiling and look towards the door, only to call your name a bit after but take no reply.

After he waited a bit more, he pulled the blanket that was covering him and stepped out of the bed, with slow steps approaching the door and opening it enough for him to peek through, only to witness your body on the floor, instead of the couch.

Don't tell me she just fell off?

He questioned as he opened the door more and stepped outside, coming closer to you as quietly as he could, only to look over you once there and realize that indeed you had fallen off the couch and you were still sound asleep.

She sure is a heavy sleeper.

He commented inwardly as he prepared his body a bit then leaned down and picked you up carefully, your head resting on the crook of his neck once in his arms. Your warm breath against that sensitive part of his skin, had him gulp harshly momentarily his eyes looming over your serene facial features for a bit before he proceeded to carry you to the bedroom and softly try to place you on the inward side of the bed.

However, once he had let all your weight on it and carefully tried to pull back the arm that was trapped underneath you, you swirled around, bringing your nose almost touching his. The sudden proximity had Jimin widen his eyes and hold his breath, while his whole body came to a freeze, at the fear that any potential movement of his could disturb your sleep.

She still didn't wake up...I guess that's how it is when you are sleepless for days.

He carefully left his body lying beside you while he made sure to place some proper distance between his face and yours, his arm now your pillow, as it was still left underneath your neck. He tried to slowly retrieve it for he was planning to go occupy at the couch himself and give you the right to have a comfortable rest after the tiring nights you had gone through but the more subtly he tried to pull his arm away, once his palm reached the back of your head, you moved again, snuggling against his chest while your hands softly clinched a fistful of his shirt.

The warm feeling of your forehead against his chest and your soft breathing that he felt way too vibrantly even atop his shirt, made Jimin stare at nothing for a few minutes while the rising of his own heartbeat started reaching his ears, making his eyes flutter in agony and nervousness.

"Y/N...Y/N..." He murmured your name while his free hand softly patted your shoulder in an attempt to wake you up but such a thing did not happen and all he got out of you was a soft muffled sound that had no meaning.

"Great, I will so get accused of this when she wakes up." He murmured to himself as he let an exhale escape his lips and rested his head on the pillow, accepting defeat for the moment for he could not escape without actually waking you up. 

But if he was, to be honest with himself, he didn't mind your cuddling much either. On the contrary, the warmth of your body near him and the way your fingers had clutched the fabric of his shirt, were making him unreasonably happy. To the point that when he caught himself smiling, his eyes portrayed fear before he let that smile fade away and his eyes got pinned on the uninteresting ceiling.

She deserved better...I shouldn't...I can't

He thought to himself but the silence of the room enabled his heartbeat to sound clearer in his ears. To the point that he moved his head so he would no longer be able to hear the veins carrying the beat.

However that could not erase the truth that he too was aware of, a truth he wanted to deny for a bit longer. The fact that he had started taking a kinda liking to you, that exceeded the friendly grounds.

--- To be continued...