𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐄𝐂𝐑𝐄𝐓 𝐃𝐈𝐀𝐑𝐘 𝐎𝐅 𝐃𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐎 𝐌𝐀𝐋𝐅𝐎𝐘

Chapter 13

The Secret Diary of Draco Malfoy: Aristocrat, Ne'er-do-Well, Rampant Homosexual.

Chapter 13: May 1st – May 15th

Saturday 2nd May.

Dear Diary,

Well, I've decided that if I'm ever going to win Harry back, I'm going to need a life makeover. I weighed myself when I got home last night, and was horrified to discover that I've put on two whole pounds since the break up. Can you believe it? I am disgusted with myself. It wouldn't be so bad if I thought that the additional pounds were through muscle build-up, but my exercise regime has been rather lax of late. Mostly through my reliance on sex to keep myself fit. But now, tragically, that is no longer an option.

So I have made myself a timetable for my new and improved lifestyle, which I intend to stick to religiously. I will get up at six-thirty every morning and work out for an hour. Then I will have some fruit for breakfast. Then I will study for two hours, because finals are looming and Harry wouldn't want a boyfriend who failed all his exams. After that, I will have exactly one hour to relax. Then I'll have chicken and steamed vegetables for lunch. After that, I'll study for three more hours. Then I'll read something impressive so that I can improve my mind and be able to leave everyone in awe of all the clever things I have to say. Then I'll spend the evening thinking about a) what kind of career I want after I leave Hogwarts, and b) what the hell Harry meant when he said I needed to figure out what I want from a relationship. I'll have a small, nutritious dinner, then I'll go to bed at half-ten. I can't see that I'll have any problem sticking to it. I've written the timetable up with coloured ink, and I've Spellotaped it to my bedroom door.

See, I think that if I just keep busy, it'll distract me from Harry. Busy, busy, busy.

Later that day..

Oh God, I'm so alone! Why the hell was I such an idiot? I miss Harry! I keep thinking that I should go to Weasley's house and refuse to leave until Harry talks to me. But then that would be a bit stalker-ish. Oh, what is wrong with me? Merlin, I could do with some ice cream. No, Draco! Be strong! Food is not love!

Later still.

Dad has just gone off to a Death Eater meeting. I really think that they should consider changing their image. I mean, the black robes are all very spooky and Grim Reaper-esque, but it's just a little predictable. Not to mention conspicuous. I mean, you couldn't just go down the shops like it could you? Everybody knows that's what the Death Eaters wear. Anyway, this is like, Voldemort's second age or whatever. He should have an updated image.

Ooh, you know what would be spooky? Clown costumes! There is nothing more sinister than a clown. And if you were caught, you could always say that you were on your way to a children's party or something. It would be the perfect alibi! Ooh, and all the Death Eaters could travel around in one of those little clown cars, then all come spilling out to ambush unsuspecting Muggles! And they could wear big flowers that spray Bubotuber Pus. And I'm sorry, but there are few things more chill-inducing than circus music. People would hear that, and they'd be all 'Noooo! The Death Eaters are coming!' Clowns! I might suggest that to my dad in the morning, actually.

Tuesday 4th May.

Dear Diary,

Grandma and Grandpa Black have come to stay for a few days. Poor Dad isn't very happy about it because Grandpa Ignatius still hasn't forgiven him for taking away his little girl. Mum and I find it rather amusing to watch the pair of them strutting around like peacocks, trying to outdo each other. Ah, poor Papa.

Sadly, Grandma Florentine had brought her photo album over, and I was subjected to pictures of my parents in their teens. Ooh, they had eighties hair! When she was my age, my mother wore blue eye-shadow up to her eyebrows and had a perm! Ugh. For some reason, I've always had this idealised view of my mother as someone who is eternally stylish. Oh God, the most horrific photo was the one of my parents at their engagement party. I was not ready to know that my dad used to have a mullet!