𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐄𝐂𝐑𝐄𝐓 𝐃𝐈𝐀𝐑𝐘 𝐎𝐅 𝐃𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐎 𝐌𝐀𝐋𝐅𝐎𝐘

Chapter 12

"Now, love," Greg interrupted. "Remember what I said before about effective interventions? Try to steer clear of words like 'always' and 'never'. It's best to stick to 'I feel' phrases."

"Screw that!" Pansy said. "This isn't the time for your namby-pamby self-help crap, Greg. No offence, Draco, but you acted like a complete twat last night, and you are lucky that any of us are still talking to you."

Why is it that whenever anyone says 'no offence', they always proceed to say something really offensive? "Look guys," I sighed, "I really don't remember anything about last night. If you tell me what I did, I'll apologise." Famous last words.

Apparently, once the boys had brought me back to the castle, we ran into Snape in the Entrance Hall. I told him that he was a great teacher but that I didn't appreciate the way he treated my 'Snuggle Bear', Harry. Then I started to cry and tell everyone that my Snuggle Bear wouldn't snuggle me any more, and that I held Snape personally accountable for this. Then I hit him. Snape told Vince and Greg to take me to bed and give me some water. I was crying again and tried to hug Snape, telling him that I loved him. Once in the dungeons, I told Pansy - who was very concerned about me and had waited up to make sure I was okay - that I felt like she was always judging me and that I knew she thought that I was an idiot. I then curled up in a ball, sobbing that nobody liked me. Then I threw up again. They took me up to the bathroom where I was sick some more. In between bouts of vomiting, I careered between telling my friends that they physically repulsed me and that I didn't need them anyway, to sobbing in their arms and begging them not to leave me. After about an hour of this, they carried me to bed. At this point I seemed to get a little concerned that Vince and Greg were going to embroil me in a threesome, and protested very loudly. Then I started crying again and saying that I only ever wanted a threesome with Harry and the Bloody Baron, but that Harry was never going to talk to me again. I then made them all sit with me and reassure me that I wasn't a bad person and that they didn't hate me, until I fell asleep.

I am never drinking again. Oh, my poor, poor friends.

When I feel a bit better I'm going to go and find Harry and apologise for being horrible. From now on, I am going to be a paragon of virtue. I will never complain. I will never succumb to vice. I will be the model boyfriend, student and friend.

Ten minutes later.

Just got a letter from Snape.

Mr Malfoy,

I hope you are not feeling the after-effects of last night's excesses too violently. It was very kind of you to tell me all about your relationship with Potter last night. I especially enjoyed the anecdotes of the first time the two of you were intimate, although you really didn't need to go into such detail. (Oh God, Vince and Greg didn't tell me about that. Somebody kill me). Fond as I am of you, there are some things that I do not need to know. Please rest assured that I do not take your threats against me seriously. However, it would be wise if you avoided making such threats in future. Other staff members may not be as understanding as I am. I would also appreciate it if you didn't attempt to hug me again. I don't do hugs. I hope that you have learnt your lesson and that you will be more careful with your alcohol consumption in future.

Yours sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape.

P.S. You have detention for the rest of this week. My office, eight-thirty.

Oh, hell.

Five minutes later.

I'm still remembering horrible snippets from last night. I was definitely dancing on the tables. Then I remember telling everyone who would listen about my argument with Harry. I think that Susan Bones and Hannah Abbott turned up at one point, and I made them dance with me. Then I made them promise to tell Harry how much fun I was to be around. Oh God, I am never allowed to drink again. You'd think that my little episode at New Year would have taught me this.