Falling

1

You know that feeling you get when you're asleep? Well, I guess you're technically not asleep, but almost. When you're drifting off to that state of sleep and almost reach it, you start falling out of nowhere. Not, literally, but you feel like you are. Once you start feeling like you're plummeting, your reflexes kick in and get you to reenter full consciences so you can try to save yourself, but really you don't need saving. Since you weren't really falling in the first place.

At this point, you're probably wondering what the fuck is Stan going off about now? Well, I don't blame you. Everything I've said has been random, though that's how all questions start off. Okay, fine, meaningful questions. But, now to my point, how come it seems like reflexes are there when you don't need them? Like when you're not in real danger. But, when it's time for you to really need them, they aren't there to save you.

Okay, so maybe you'll have reflexes when you really need them like if you trip, you put out your hand. But what about when you need to protect yourself from saying something? Again, you must be thinking, Okay, seriously Stan, what the fuck are you talking about? But, again, don't blame you, this probably doesn't make sense, and maybe it won't. Because maybe, just maybe, you're one of the few lucky people out there who never second guess anything you say cause you either know everyone likes you or really don't give a shit about what they think.

I've met both people. And I'm neither one. I'm the in-between person who will understand what shit I'm about to go off on, but since my vocal reflexes are broken, I still say the stupid shit I come to later regret.

I don't think there's such thing as a vocal reflex, but I'd say there's something that technically is, but it doesn't work. So now to actually explain what the fuck I'm going on about. When you're totally pissed off and can't control what you say, you know how? Well, that would be a time for a vocal reflex. Before you say something you'll regret, your mind and body stop you, so those words don't come out, just like when you're about to fall, your body reacts so you don't hurt yourself.

Unfortunately, it's tough to control what you say when your emotions are off the rails. Since no reflexes keep you safe from what you have to say and what's going on in your mind. But don't worry, because there are things that people, like me, have found helpful for protecting you from yourself. Not the things you do and say, but from the shit going down in your head.

What do these magical remedies include? You might have heard of drugs, or alcohol, cutting, or self-harming in other manners. So what, I never said these were healthy, and I also never said I'd recommend any of them to anyone. I'm also well aware these things only temporarily numb any pain and harsh thoughts you experience. But that hasn't stopped me and millions of others.

My personal savior would be the alcohol one. I tried it once when I was ten and didn't think much of it, but that was all I could rely on when I felt depressed by eighth grade. Which honestly has been every day for the past four or so years. A Jr in high school and already as some would consider an 'alcoholic.' It doesn't bother me, though. It's not like I'm addicted to marijuana, which is surprising because my dad runs one of those shitty farms.

If anyone's wondering, what exactly are you trying to numb in the first place? What's been causing you this state of depression? I guess I can't really tell you, maybe just getting older. Missing the old days when your life wasn't full of stress and shit like that. But that's not very specific enough, right? I mean, doesn't everyone feels that way about life? It doesn't matter because other people better control themselves and handle their fucked up thoughts... cleaner per se.

There may be more specific things going on that apply to a more narrowed-down group. For starters, I'm an alcoholic seventeen-year-old. I suppose due to how my parents constantly fight, and my sister abuses me. Oh right, and I'm in love with my best friend.