Steve's Baby

chapter 9

 Sam is tired when he wakes up in the morning. Bucky had woken up crying 3 times throughout the night, and refused to say what was wrong, and Sam just had to hold him and let him cry himself back to sleep. Now, Bucky's awake again, and crying again. Sam's head hurts.

 "Baby, please. Won't you tell uncle Sam what's wrong?" Sam pleads, only to be met with a shake of the head and more sobbing. 

 Sam sighs, and gets up to change Bucky's diaper. He leaves him in his pajamas, not bothering to dress him right now, and takes him to the couch so he can go prepare his morning bottle in the kitchen. 

 Bucky quiets while Sam feeds him the bottle, but he still sniffles and tears still slide down his cheeks. He's crying again once the bottle is gone.

 Sam takes the bottle to the sink, and decides to take a couple tylenol while he's in the kitchen. He takes a moment to himself, to think, before he goes back to the living room, where Bucky's still crying on the couch.

 Sam sits down next to the little and pulls him into his lap. Bucky cuddles close, gripping a hand full of Sam's t-shirt for dear life, his other hand squeezing the teddy bear he takes everywhere with him now.

 Sam rocks him a little. "Can you just tell me what's wrong, Bucky?" 

 Bucky just shakes his head.

 "Are you mad at me, sweetheart?"

 Bucky shakes his head, and Sam almost feels relieved. At least it's not something he did. But he's still worried for Bucky. 

 "Are you upset about your daddy?" 

 Bucky nods.

 "Okay, bud. That's perfectly reasonable. It can be scary when someone you love gets hurt. You know your daddy's okay though, right? He's gonna be all better and here to pick you up before you know it."

 Bucky nods. Then he speaks for the first time since the hospital last night. " 's my fault."

 "What's your fault, baby?"

 " 's my fault daddy's hurted."

 "No, Bucky, no - it's- well, I mean - uh," Sam has to pause and consider. "It's not your fault, directly. I know you're feeling bad, that you fought your daddy, but it wasn't you. Hydra made you do it. They lied, and hurt you, and made you do bad things for them. I won't lie to you, sweetie. I've seen some documents, um, a file. That Natasha got, and gave to your daddy. And he showed it to me. It was about you, and the things they did to you, and things they made you do. They hurt you bad, and they brainwashed you. You didn't do those things of your own will. It's not your fault. It's Hydra's." 

 "But I did it." Bucky says, but it sounds more like a question than a statement. 

 "Well, technically speaking, yeah, it was your body performing the actions. But it wasn't you. If I handed you a gun and told you to shoot someone, would you do it?"

 "No!" Bucky replies immediately. 

 "Because that's not who you are," Sam says. "Hydra put bad things in your mind and made you do all that. They controlled you and made you hurt people, and hurt your daddy. But it wasn't you, it wasn't. You remembered who you are, and you stopped. You pulled your daddy out of the water, and saved his life. You are a good boy. Hydra is evil, you aren't."

 Bucky nods, considering. He wipes his eyes and sniffles, but he doesn't cry anymore. He's quiet for a while as Sam continues to rock him and rub his back.

 "Wanna see daddy again." Bucky says after a few minutes.

 "We can do that. Of course we can. We'll go right after breakfast. What do you want to eat?"

 "You picks." Bucky says.

 "Okay, I'll pick. Let's go get ready for the day, okay?"

 Sam takes Bucky to the bedroom where Bucky lets him pick his clothes again. Sam takes out a long sleeved black shirt, and the blue denim overalls he couldn't resist buying at the store. He grabs some socks and gets Bucky dressed. He gets dressed himself, in a grey t-shirt and jeans, before he takes Bucky to get his hair and teeth brushed. Then he takes him to the living room again, and turns the TV back to the kids channel. Bear in the Big Blue House is on, and Bucky seems entertained by it.

 He makes pancakes with cinnamon and apples in them, and cuts Bucky's into little bite sized pieces. He loads both plates with fresh strawberries, and gets Bucky's sippy cup filled with orange juice, and makes himself some coffee.

 Breakfast goes by without any incidents, thankfully, and Bucky seems to have cheered up, even if he's still a little quiet. At least he eats all his food and drinks his juice.

 As promised, right after breakfast Sam orders and Uber, packs a few things in his backpack, this time adding a pre-prepared bottle of formula, since Bucky will still need his nap around lunch time, and plenty of snacks, since unless Bucky is willing to leave for a bit to buy some food, they'll probably be skipping lunch. Sam helps Bucky get his shoes on and they leave.

 Bucky is anxious again when they arrive. Sam carries him to the reception to get their visitors tags, and they're led back to Steve's room.

 Steve's still unconscious, and doesn't seem to have moved since yesterday. A nurse comes by and swaps out the full catheter bag for an empty one, and checks some vitals, but after that Sam and Bucky are left alone with Steve. 

 Sam sits in the same chair, Bucky in his lap, and they just sit and look at Steve again.

 It's quiet for a few hours, until around noon, when Bucky starts getting fussy. Sam figures he's hungry, and probably tired, so he gets out a bag of chips, a cheese stick, and an applesauce pouch from the backpack. Bucky eats the snacks and is rubbing his eyes by the time he's done. Sam turns him in his lap, so his legs are hanging off the armrest of the chair on one side, and he can lean back while Sam holds him. Sam pulls out the bottle, and feeds it to Bucky, while Bucky's apparently trying hard to stay awake. His eyes fall shut a few times then snap open again, but eventually, stay closed as he suckles at the bottle. Sam replaces the bottle with the pacifier, and Bucky cuddles into Sam's chest, not able to stay awake any longer.