Promised You Heaven

Chapter 29-Billie

(picking up where last chapter left off)

Josh's POV

"Thank you, I love you"

I read the note again and again it felt like.   I ended up deciding to keep it, folding it up and opting to place it in my wallet.  I wanted to keep it as a reminder, that even in our hardest times we still had our love for each other.  When I opened my wallet and placed the paper inside my eyes fell on the polaroid of Rhiannon I had stashed in there. I took it out and a soft smile formed as I admired her. She was beautiful with the most blissful, genuine smile on her face. This gave me a small spark of hope that she would come around.  I decided to take a shower and get changed for bed.  Showers have always been a comfort thing for me, they always helped me feel like I was washing away any negativity the day left with me.  However, there was no washing away the pain I still felt deep in my chest right now. I stood in the shower for at least an hour just letting the water wash over me.  The bathroom was full of steam when I finally decided to step out.  I wrapped in my towel and was heading towards my room, but I could see the light still on in Rhiannon's room so I decided to tell her goodnight. 

"I just wanted to tell you goodnight, and also I wanted to say something else.  Neither of us have to go through this alone love, not if you don't want to.  I just feel like maybe you are hiding yourself away because you're afraid of how I'll react to seeing you like this, but I will be just fine, I want to be here for you...I just want you to know that I'm here for you, when you're ready."  I said softly through the door.  No answer. I honestly wasn't expecting one, I just wanted her to hear what I had to say.  I walked into my room and put on a t-shirt and shorts before I collapsed onto my bed, exhausted emotionally and physically.     I pulled the covers over myself and started to drift to sleep when I heard the noise of Rhiannon's bedroom door opening.  I fought the urge to get up and run to her, holding my breath as I tried to listen for her footsteps. I breathed out a sigh of relief when she appeared in my doorway.  Her eyes were sad as they locked on mine, I pulled the comforter back, silently welcoming her to come lay with me.  She remained silent but slowly walked over to the bed, climbing in next to me.  I pulled the comforter over her before wrapping her in my arms as she cuddled up to me.  As soon as we settled into the mattress she began to sob.  I just held her tight, rubbing my hand on her back, trying to soothe her in any way I could.  Her sobs finally slowed to stifled cries as she started to speak,

"I'm so sorry Josh," she said as she gripped my shirt tighter, pulling herself as closely to me as she could, but she wouldn't look at me, "You would have made the best dad, and I took that away from you....I'm sorry that chances are I can never give that to you," She barely got the words out before starting to cry again,

"Hey, you didn't take anything away from me," I said tilting her chin up so she could see me, her lip quivered as she listened, "This is not your fault, and you experienced the loss just as much as me if not more." I felt a knot forming in my throat as tears welled in my eyes as I looked into her tired eyes. "And as far as the future we can explore our options when you are ready, I'm in no rush."  The tears started to stream down my face as she rested her head back on my chest after nodding,

"Josh I'm also sorry for leaving you and locking myself away, I just didn't know what to do, and I didn't know how I could handle seeing you upset, and I knew if you saw me in the state I was in it would kill you." she said, and the apology only made me cry more because I needed to hear it.   I repositioned myself, laying down on my side so her and I were face to face, still tangled in each others arms I reached up to caress her face.  She leaned into my touch and closed her eyes briefly before looking back to me,

"I just wish there was a way I could take all this pain away from you, because I'd do anything to see your beautiful smile again.  I know this is a loss and just like any loss we have to give ourselves time to mourn, and time to heal, but I want us to do that together, supporting each other. I love you so much and I don't want you to go through this alone anymore, and I know I don't want to go through it alone." I managed to choke out between sniffling as I tried to slow my tears.