Listen to the Casual Reply: A Collection of Short stories

Bravery

It was bravery.

Was it bravery?

Was it bravery...

If I had been brave I would have told M how I felt before I left. I would have told him he was a beautiful and handsome and hilarious and how much I thought he was so magnificent even if he never chooses me I will love him with every fiber of my being. I couldn't say anything. Not a goddamn word. I wanted to say:

You will never choose me. Right? It will never be me for you. I am not what you want. It my size. It bothers you. It always has. You can't help it. It's okay. I am too much and because of it I am not enough. So let me go. Let me go see if I can make this happen with someone else. Let me choose a different path. Release me from whatever this is that you hold me to you.

Why does my speech fail me when I am near him.

Brave is not what I am. Foolish girl.

But with A it wasn't an issue. It was fun and flirty and surreal and dreamy and yum and no complaints at all. It was exactly how you'd want snd the leading up to it I was brave. I leaned into him and held his hand. It was what I wanted. It was brave. When it takes nothing to touch someone. That yes it feels good to touch someone I like, but there was no risk and all reward. I say love should be easy. Is that right?

Why am I second guessing myself?

Yes. It was brave. It was right. I wanted him. I've liked him. I keep telling myself he's special. He's things I will like. He's a forever person.

He... may not be... my forever person.

Brave is good and true and it could be brave to have a one night stand. I don't have to date him to know it would be wrong.

Or should I? Will I change my mind?

M isn't my person. He will not pick me. I should have someone that picks me.