No Regrets, Only Memories

The New Deal

Whatever we needed to talk about was clearly very serious based on her mood. I let her get settled and pull out of the hotel lot before turning to her. She had a white knuckle grip on the steering wheel and she was biting her lip as she looked at the road signs. My gaze didn't seem to bother her where normally my staring would make her glare back at me without any hesitation. We were a good ten minutes down the road before I couldn't stand the silence anymore.

"What happened last night? I waited up and you didn't even text me after other than telling me the meeting ran late." I started, carefully reaching over and placing my hand on her thigh.

"Toto crashed my 'meeting' with Zak." She told me as she made air quotes, pulling her hands away from the wheel for just a second before placing her right over mine so she could shift with her left.

"Toto?," Nothing could've hidden the shock in my voice," why would Toto crash your meeting?" She looked at me before suddenly pulling into a random parking lot for what looked like a little park.

"He didn't want me to tell you this, but I obviously have to." She parked the car, turning it off and turning to me fully in the driver's seat.

"Bottas is retiring at the end of the year." I audibly gasped, like a teen girl in a rom com catching her boyfriend cheating. My hands came up to my face, both in shock and dread for the shake up this was going to cause for next year as I covered my open mouth.

"I know!," She gasped too, her hands smacking the wheel before griping it tightly," I was fucking shocked too. Then I was confused as to why I needed to know."

She may be shocked, but it clicked for me instantly.

"Toto wants you???" No part of me could've stopped the shock in my words as I dropped my hands onto the center console. She didn't take it well either.

"Try to sound a little more disgusted by that..." Maeve crossed her arms and I immediately reached over and grabbed her hand in mine.

"It's just a huge turn of events. You'd be in the top team next year. That's incredible!" She leaned across the center console and rested her head on my shoulder.

"Why don't you seem excited?" I asked her, awkwardly wrapping my arms around her shoulders.

"They offered me two years and then I will go to McLaren as the lead engineer for whatever driver they have." I nodded with wide eyes. Waiting for her to continue.

"I'm putting a time limit on myself. What if I get to the end of those two years and I just don't want to stop?" I nodded again.

"It's hard to stop. Every year I think about what I'd do if it was the last, but you drive every year like it's your last and there's no reason to be disappointed." My best attempt to comfort her felt lacking then as she let go of my hand to place hers on the steering wheel.

I watched her fingers dance over the leather ridges of the wheel and it was clear she was thinking about the drive. The adrenaline and the brain power required for our job made it addicting. No one could see that unless they had been there themselves. Putting a limit like this one was unheard of. Most of us don't get to make the decision. It's made for us or it's made in the blink of an eye.

"What do you want to accomplish in two years? Outside of work?" I placed my hand on her thigh and watched her take a deep breath before she turned to me.

"Well. I want to finish my degree. I want a home base with you... I don't really know what passed that. This has been my life for so long. I can't imagine doing anything outside of F1 now..." I looked forward, not really knowing what to say.

"Maeve, I can't make the decision. You need to think about what will make you happy in the future. What do you see yourself doing in 5 years time or even ten?" She looked like she was going to cry after a few seconds and I didn't know what else to do.