All that is dark | ✓

6| recklessness

"Who's going to love you, Helene?" her mother said, her hands around Helene's face like a noose which was yet to be tied," you should be thankful you were smart, at least. The world doesn't have a place for another naive girl with empty eyes."

"Like you?" Helene had said.

The slap stung, but she didn't care. She may not have been naive, but her eyes were empty, that she knew. Of course her mother didn't though, it wasn't like she ever truly looked at her. All the woman saw in her daughter's eyes was herself anyway. Wasn't she just the result of all her mother's regrets, everything that she had wanted to become? What use was an existence which had been unloved from start to finish?

Her eyes stared on her hands, almost dazedly, wandering over the callouses on her fingers from hours of studying.

She should be thankful that she was smart, at least.

Was she thankful?

"Doctor?"

Her gaze snapped up towards the guard beside her, a frown on his face as he looked at her. Oh God. Didn't she know better than to sink in the quicksand of her thoughts? She couldn't see herself, but it was easy to imagine what she looked like, skin pale, her insomnia shadowing her eyes blue, her hands clenched into fists so tightly she could feel the blood welling up in the crescents on her palm. With a smile she shook her head, opening her hands and wiping the blood away on her navy skirt.

"I'm sorry," she said," it seems I was lost in thought."

"Do I need to escort you back?" the guard said, looking unsure about what was going on," I mean, I can call Dante -"

"There's no need," she reassured him," I'm fine."

"Okay," the guard said, though his voice was filled with doubt.

Still, he didn't follow her when she walked away, her eyes glazing over as she turned the corner. It had been a long time since she had allowed herself to think about her past again, that one simple confession she had made to Nathan already enough to sink her back down again. She had to push those memories away deeper, keep them from resurfacing until they were useful. Only when everything was over, when she had fulfilled whatever purpose her mother thought she had with her feet in a grave of her own making, only then was she allowed to grieve.

Why was it so hard to collect herself again though? Her mind was clouded as she pushed Nathan's binder in her bag, heading towards the exit. Normally she would spend the whole day in this small office of hers, but she couldn't allow herself to be seen anymore in this frantic state she was in. If she wasn't stable, she wouldn't be needed and if she wasn't needed anymore, then what was she here for?

She was almost out of the door when she heard Dante's voice near. Without thinking she opened a door to her left, hiding inside. He, out of all the guards here, especially couldn't see her like this. After all her big talk just now about taking care of herself, wouldn't she just look like a fool now, when she could barely keep herself from fainting? Her breathing had quickened, helium blowing in her thoughts until it seemed like she would float away, her consciousness slipping away as the hallucinations tried to take over again.

"Why did you let her go?"

"I mean, she said she was alright," someone replied, Helene vaguely recognizing the voice as the guard from just now," she's a doctor, if she says she's fine, I suppose she is. Who am I to doubt her?"

"Jesus Christ, Arthur, you think people magically heal themselves when they get their medical degree? Of course she's going to say she's fine if you all have this kind of mindset. I mean, did you even ask what was going on?"

She blinked, surprised to hear how invested Dante was. Why did it even matter to him how she was? What ulterior motive did he have? Honestly, she had just been glad the guard had left her alone so quickly, because she didn't have the energy to think of more excuses. Wasn't it fine like this, when everyone pretended she was perfect so they could push their burdens on her without any guilt?

"Why do you care so much, Dante? I thought you didn't like her."

"I don't like being forced to play bodyguard here," Dante scowled," I never said I didn't like her." He breathed out. "Besides, I hate when people are like that, only helping other people as they pay no mind to themselves. It makes me sick."

"Why?" the guard said," isn't it kind of noble, in a way?"

"What's noble about self-destructing?"

It felt like time stood still as she waited in the empty room, even long after Dante had passed. Only after a while was she able to pull herself together and leave, only a heavy silence following her towards her home. There always hung a certain chill in the air in her mansion, even when she had decorated it as much as she could, as if mocking how she could never truly belong in a place this expensive. This could never be a home to her, but she didn't know if anything ever could.

She let herself fall down on the couch in her living room, a soft sigh leaving her lips. The lights were out, but she closed her eyes anyway, everything feeling like too much for a moment. When she felt the hands on top of her eyelids, she didn't even flinch. All she felt was weary as she whispered his name, an ache in her mind she could never seem to shake.

"Zion."

"Have you missed me, Helene?"