Unknown double life

To him, de mi.

Maybe it's because the toothbrush I got you (and never gave you) stares at me when I brush my teeth at night and makes me wish you were here? Or the fact that one time I thought I'd give you the extra key to my apartment in case something happened...

Maybe it's the intrusive thoughts when I'm looking for Christmas presents for Luca and I see something for kids that are not mine but yours? Or the fact that I think about them and their well-being for no reason most every day?
Or the even deeper dreams that I can't bring myself to admit. They exist, but I'll keep shutting them off until there's a reason to let them out. Or let them die if the reason never arrives.

It's definitely in the way I don't just want you inside my body (and all over it), but also inside my soul. And the way I daydream about my hands holding your face while I stare into your eyes as they talk to me and tell me the things words can't express.
The warmth of your skin, your whole body trembling... those eyes. I'm in. "Lucky you 🙄"

If you ever wondered why I'm still holding on to you while knowing you "get nudes" from other women, well... do they also know when you're sad? Do they also get to see your vulnerability and read your rants when your soul hurts? Do they hurt when you hurt? Anyone can give you a boner. Now, can they make you feel? Or at least get to confuse you enough? Maybe they can, and I'm just a naïve idiot.

I'm not better (or prettier, or hotter, or smarter) than any of them, and it might all go to hell in the end. But I'm willing to risk my sanity to see you smile every day.
Yeah, you can get them wet. Now, do they also smile inconspicuously when they think of you randomly throughout the day when things are going wrong? Are you a successful restaurant manager? Or a man craving (love) validation in the wrong places? Do all of us shiver in disgust to the thought of anyone that's not you touching us?

Ever wondered what I want from you? I want to know your daily life. What's your favorite food? What makes you smile no matter what's happening in the world? What kind of deodorant do you use? Would you be upset if I woke you up at 3am just to have sex?

I don't think I'm asking for too little, but I do try to  never ask for too much. I know you're not in the best place you've been in your life, and neither am I. So we can help each other out by just keeping in touch, or I can demand things from you I know you can't give (at least for now), and put you in a place neither of us wants you to be in.

What do I think you ask from me? Patience, independence, understanding, personal and shared growth, respect and the unconditional love, admiration and support you already own.