OUTSiDER (Assassination Classroom Fanfic)

47. Bloom

The conversation did not go well, either.

"The tentacles asked me what I wanted," Kayano said, her eyes filled with agonized hope. The desperation of someone who had no one else to turn to. "I know what I want to be. I want to be a killer."

And Itona wanted to be strong. And Korosensei wanted to be weak.

"Do you ever have desires like that, Kuma-sensei?" she challenged, and somehow, those words hurt. Nao wondered if it was the pain in his chest, or if it was just his conscience.

Have you ever wanted anything so bad, you'd die for it?

"You don't."

Nao's never bet his life on anything, because he never cared for his life, ever.

"All you ever dream of is complacency— you don't hold grudges, you rarely even show frustration. You'll never understand how any of us feel!"

Nao doesn't manage to answer. He could only stare, bewildered, as his own student tore right into him, and clawed out, as painfully as possible, the very weaknesses he's always tried so hard to hide.

Maybe she's right.

Maybe Nao's assurances have always been empty, after all. In this classroom of desires, bright futures, and little soldiers, Nao was a rusted cog.

Korosensei spends every moment of his life burning away at his own time to make the most of it. Nao burns away his time leisurely, never really hoping to make the most of it. He's always just gone ahead, aimlessly, never caring where he'd end up.

("Do you really want to remain an outsider forever?" Asano had asked.)

Nao could do nothing as she ran off. He could do nothing, because in the end, it had to be Korosensei that saved her.

Nao had no role here.

-

"Oh, Nao-kun! Won't you help me out?"

In the days after the confrontation, school was out, so Nao took a break and stayed home to help out at the shop.

Winter was coming, which meant a change in the assortment of flowers available. In addition to that, Ms Sakurai tended to create fake flowers for the shop's variety, as they were a more viable purchase in this weather.

Nao folded in the layered petals of the sugarbush flower, inspecting its quality before making another. It was menial, but very monotonous work. Yet, it suited Nao perfectly, in that he didn't quite need to think as he made flower after flower, after flower.

Kayano's words have continued to ring in his head, for every waking minute.

Maybe this was how it felt to be on the other end of the conversation. He kind of felt bad for consistently tormenting Principal Asano with his nosiness now. He might have to apologize later.

"You've been lost in thought very often, Nao-kun," Ms Sakurai said, interrupting his train of thought, continuing to fold carnations. "Are things not going well at work?"

Nao bit his lip.

He stopped his hands.

Somehow, the words came easily. So easily. "I'm just not living up to my role," he said. "Everyone is unique up there— they're capable, reliable, and friendly. Sincere," every teacher up there was genuine,including Irina, "I thought I could be like them."