Pick Me Up - Theo Raeken

1- feelings take over

Numbness. Not in the sense where I don't feel a thing anymore. But in the sense I cry rivers and still not feel them falling, how the tears fall and everything becomes blurry. It is a relief, when I don't see a thing because of the merciless tears. As it makes my vision blurry, my mind follows too. And I only acknowledge how messed I am once my old pillow is wet and then I have to turn it around.

"It's all your fault" I remind myself without uttering a single word. But my heart feels like it wants to betray me, bring other ideas into my head and wants to convince me that my mind is giving me false information. But I know it's lying. There's this part very very deep in my heart where I feel bad for myself, not because I want pity or that I deserve it. But because that small part knows all too well that it's actually not my fault. I've been used and manipulated. And while was the demon inside of me controlling me and my every move I was screaming, crying for help. But I was too weak to be heard by anyone so everyone believed this version of me. The one possessed by a demon. In the one where I didn't exist in anymore.

But now that I do exist in this new version of me, it kills me. The obsessive self harming thoughts won't stop. But I don't really want them to stop. I deserve all the pain. But it's becoming way too painful to bare. Because while this part of me believes that I don't deserve this, the rest of me believes that I do.

"It's all your fault" I keep repeating. I'm too afraid to meet anyone. I feel so weak. As if they're just gonna look at me and I'm gonna collapse having the worst breakdown in history. But they're gonna look disgusted and run away. And I don't even want to imagine the scene. Tears keep streaming down my face as I feed my mentality with the only words I deserve to hear. "I should have left you in the ground", "I'm sending you back" these two phrases have never left my mind. These two phrases have made these merciless tears be my usual state. I'm too hated that I truly believe that if I never existed the whole world would have been happy. My existence is a curse.

Every day I try to collect all my courage and go up to Noshiko to make a deal. I want her to send me back. I have to go back. I don't deserve to breathe. I don't deserve to have a beating heart. "I don't deserve to have a beating heart" I manage to utter out loud while I choke with this huge lump in my throat. I close my eyes and greet my teeth, I try to stop all this suffering. I need to stop crying. But the only way I manage to stop crying for at least five minutes is if I sleep. And now it seems that my body is giving up on me while I fall into deep sleep.

Not more than five minutes pass by when I see Tara. I'm not fazed anymore. I do not react anymore. Actually, in my nightmares she doesn't rip my heart out, I do it. I rip my heart out while my vision is blurry, I don't even know where I am. But it doesn't matter, because I do not waste time, I rip it out and I try to hold it tight so I keep it safe while I'm falling on the ground. And it keeps repeating.

I have read somewhere that when a heart beats too fast while having a nightmare it is because it's near to death so the body wakes you up. So thirty minutes later I wake up with a heartache. But this would have been the perfect punishment. I do deserve it after all, and I cry listening to this small part in my heart screaming the opposite.

After some time I feel my fingertips all wet, for a second I think it's my tears but I remember that I didn't wipe my tears at all. And it feels.. thick and sticky. So I pull my sleeve and dry my wet cheeks, I take a deep breath and try to stop crying. Once my vision is back to normal, I turn on the lights and check my hands. My claws have appeared and they're all covered in blood. I try to figure out how it happened but not much time pass by when I notice my shirt is bloody too and been cut right where my heart is. I lift my arm to my shirt and try to feel my skin with it since it's thin. I don't want to look because I have already figured it out.

My nightmares aren't just nightmares now, they're night terrors. I was trying to rip out my heart just like I do in my nightmares, only in real life it isn't as easy. I lean my body to rest back where it was so I can calm down. I keep staring at my bloody fingers. It's all signs, whatever's happening, it's a message that I should end it all. So I try to think of how I'll do it. Do I jump somewhere? Go to Deaton's clinic and use a blade? Do I write a letter? Do I need to include anyone? I can't have them feel guilty, I mean, they won't feel it, for all I know they'll be relieved. But this part of me is saying they'll feel guilty. But all I know is that they'll fake it and put on a show just to show they're not as bad as me.

But I don't deserve just death. This part of me is saying I was misunderstood and I won't end up in hell. So I can't risk it. I deserve to be tortured. With a heavy heart and breath I reach to grab my phone and I search for Noshiko's daughters name, Kira, the one who has the power to send me back so I type a text and send it to her.

"Send me back" it said.

-

I bet this will be one of my fav top 5 I've ever written. I hope you liked it even tho it claws your heart out. My baby Theo deserves so much happiness it kills me. But I truly believe that what I write might have happened one way or another. Anyways hope y'all like it <3