Pick Me Up - Theo Raeken

10- multi déjà vu's - part 1

My life is crazy. But what I'm about to finally confess will even leave me feeling crazy for saying it out loud...In my head.

There's this weird energy all around me. Not from people but from the universe. The feeling is unsettling because even if you remember a scenario happening, you feel that déjà vu feeling, but you can swear to god it wasn't you. If that makes sense. When you feel that an exact body movement has been repeating itself. It's about very minor things you've done. You get this feeling that you've done it in your past life, in another lifetime, in another alternative universe. It's like a memory trying to surface.

But of course who believes in such thing? Alternative universe? Past life? I certainly don't because by now Tara would have gotten a second chance. What has happened was pure evil and manipulation by crazy scientists. Tara deserves another chance so as long as she won't get any I will not believe in random speculations.

Would I have been loved if they never found me? I wish I could go back, actually if I'm wishing for things I wish they never started this supernatural science immortal life of theirs. They've killed a lot of people, if it wasn't me it would have been somebody else. Somebody else would have gone through what I went through and would they have killed their Tara and live with the guilt.

Now the scientists are gone, but the guilt remains. It's ironically true how the emotional pain is the kind of pain that lasts but I beg to have the facts re-written. If I'm supposed to be the perfect killer, then why do I feel remorse? Why does my system not work like an actual psychopath? If I can't have my fate changed then I'd rather be a psychopath. I'm dying to stop thinking, but that's impossible for me.

I have parked my truck in the woods again. It's more like a hiding place for me, I stay unbothered from the society as I'm still, mentally, living in the past. I decide to get out of the truck and spend some time with Tara. Talking to her distracts me from the fact that I'm entirely alone. What I tell her, though, is the conclusion that I am indeed alone. Plus, if someone saw me, talking to myself on the bridge, they'd draw the conclusions themselves. I'm alone. Crazy even. But when I speak I feel that I feel heard by someone, as if someone is there for me, although I know it's just an illusion. Not real.

As I walk on the old wooden bridge it creaks with every step. I stand in the middle and notice how it's darker this night than it usually is. I can't see much but I'm using my phones flash to lead the way and my supernatural eyes. I clean a spot that I plan to sit on but eventually give up by taking off my jacket and placing it where I want to sit. Being a werewolf comes in handy at times I need to stay warm but I don't have enough clothes.

I sit down and lay my head on the side bridge. I close my eyes and focus on the silence, not a single soul is making a sound in this darkness. With every moment it gets colder, it starts to remind me of the night it all happened. It was the coldest night.

No matter what I do I feel like, this scenario has happened before. And I know I've been through this before but it feels extremely unfamiliar. As if it was another soul who experienced it.

As I lay there I feel like I know myself even less, as if I'm without an identity, I feel unfamiliar, like a unsolved Rubik's cube, an unresolved puzzle. I feel strange, unknown to myself. I feel lost. I feel that my soul has not a one puzzle as a starting point, it's empty. When I look at certain people I see a whole picture on their perfectly fit puzzle, I look at mine and there's no material.

I turn into my wolf form because it's cold, my fur can help me through the night. I feel the wooden bridge slightly creak and break but I pay no further attention and I drift into sleep.

The air gets colder, it causes the leaves to rustle, all around me, the air is making the atmosphere become more restless, as if a storm is on the way, guiding the wind all around the woods. The firm wind is roughly hitting me against my skin while it's also shaking the old wooden bridge on which I'm sleeping on. And while I ignore all that it gets more aggressive. My gut is warning me to go, but I ignore it and avoid everything.

While I regret my decision the wind starts to hit my skin and I feel a storm is coming. I start to feel in danger and in the need to protect myself whilst my breath becomes heavier. My heart beats faster knowing something terrible will happen. Knowing when that something happens my heart will skip a beat out of fear. The wood I'm on is so rusty and the wind is triggering it to take it's final shape, broken and fallen in the lake. The right side of the bridge has started to fall from the storm and the rest is on the way. What I cannot make out is if this is all a dream or if it's really happening. I refuse to open my eyes but I'm wide awake scared to move. But in a blink of an eye all of the bridge has been shattered and is falling down into the frozen lake that my sister had died in. I don't get time to comprehend what's happening but through the fall I turn back to human form. My body collapses into the lake and in less than a second I'm unconscious.

I don't know what's real, but I still feel empty. I cannot bring myself to care. My subconscious is okay with what's happening. The water is finding it's way to my lungs but my body has already given up, I don't need to choke, I'm already sinking.

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To be continued...

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