𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒂𝒑𝒚

Twenty-Seven

𝚃𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚎'𝚜 𝙷𝚘𝚞𝚜𝚎

𝟷𝟹 𝚁𝚎𝚞𝚡 𝙻𝚗, 𝚀𝚞𝚊𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚌𝚘, 𝚅𝙰

𝙹𝚞𝚕𝚢 𝟸𝟼, 𝟸𝟶𝟷𝟸

𝟿:𝟷𝟻 𝙿.𝙼.

Tillie's phone rang, breaking the silent air, causing her to startle from her serene state on her floor. She was looking over some lab reports spread out on the rug of her living room from earlier that day.

Reaching for her phone, which was on the coffee table behind her, she glanced at the caller I.D.

Mr. Genius

A giddy grin spread across her lips as she quickly accepted the call.

"Hey, Spence."

"Hi, Tills, just wanted you to know, we just got off the plane. I have a few papers to fill out, but I should be home soon."

Her heart sped up in anticipation.

"Okay, well, text me when you leave so I can heat up some dinner for you. Who knows when the last time you ate was," She chuckled, fiddling with the drawstring of her pajama pants.

"Alright, Tills," She could hear his smile in his voice. His smile was beautiful. She spent hours memorizing the little creases in his face that form when he makes that face-splitting grin. His smile lines were like the little creases on a book's pages, showing the age and love it's been through. Tillie could never ever get tired of his smile.

"See you soon," he interrupted her thoughts.

"See you soon, come home safe," She said, turning her attention back to her reports.

"I will, bye."

"Alright, I love you, bye," Tillie was so focused on her work she didn't realize what she said until she heard Spencer inhale sharply. Eyes widening, she ended the call with a quick tap of her thumb.

"Oh my God," she muttered to herself, raising a hand to her mouth. "Shit!" She exclaimed, shooting to her feet.

Tillie began to pace her living room, her mind racing in anxiety. Her insecurities and doubt flooded her head. What if he wasn't ready to hear that? What if he feels pressured to say it back? What if he gets scared away?

Bile rose in her throat, she rushed to get a glass of water. While filling up the cup, she then splashed some water on her face, hoping to ground herself.

"It's fine, Tillie, everything will be okay. Y'all will talk this out, and it'll be fine," she said to herself. She chugged her water and then paced some more. This wasn't something she expected to happen. At least, wasn't expecting this to happen at this very time.

But the more she thought about it, the more she thought about herself.

She did love him. She no longer had butterflies around him, she just felt safe and content. She felt pride every time he would say something impressive, she was proud of him. Of everything that he did. He saved lives, he was so incredibly smart, he was unbelievably kind for no reason. Of all of her partners, she never felt the way she felt for him. She had felt blue around them, she had felt red around them, but around Spencer, she felt golden. He was her reason to get up, he was her reason to stay sober, he was her reason to smile, he was her joy. She couldn't imagine a genuinely happy life around him. With Spencer, everything disappeared, fading to the background, because he was her center of focus.

She loved him.

Everything about him was admirable. His bravery, his mind, his smile, his honesty. This goes on and on. She couldn't even pick out the trait that she loved the most. He was so blinding to her.

Just thinking about him calmed her nerves. Inhaling shakily, she looked at her phone which had several texts messages from him. Electing to ignore what they said out of pure fear, she instead opted to reheat him some leftover red beans and rice that she had made the night before. Letting the food simmer, she closed her eyes.

"Acorus calamus, Begoniaceae, Calendula officinalis..." Tillie listed off, one by one, monitoring her breathing.

By the time the red beans and rice were completely reheated, the front door lock jiggled. Closing her eyes, she attempted to mentally prepare herself for the conversation about to ensue.

"Tillie?" Spencer called out into the house. He locked the door behind him, slipping off his shoes and placing his work bag on the rack on the wall. "Hey, you didn't answer my texts," he said to her, walking into the kitchen, the only room that had the light turned on.

"I know, I'm so sorry, I just got scared because of," she cut herself off, "because of the thing."

He sighed, leaning against the counter, looking at Tillie, "Why were you scared, Tills?"

"I don't know? Because I said 'I love you' to you on the phone so casually, and that scared me," she inhaled. "It scared me because I haven't ever said 'I love you' to anyone in who knows how long. And sure I call you 'my love', but that's just not the same, I've never said 'I love you' before. And I freaked out because what if it scared you away? I don't want you to leave, because, well frankly because I do. I do love you. I love you so much. And I was afraid of your reaction. And I'm terrified right now because I have no idea what you're going to say. The looming presence of the unknown is scary, because this is new territory and, fuck," she muttered, pausing, "Spencer, I can't bear the thought of waking up without you beside me, permanently. I can't bear the thought that you would no longer be in my life because you have done so much for me. You are my sunrise and my sunset, you are my light, and I love you."

Tears pricked her eyes, as she tried to catch her breath.

"And before you say anything, Spence," She looked up at him for the first time that night, making eye contact. "You don't have to say 'I love you', please don't feel like you have to just because I professed mine. Okay?"

Spencer walked over to her pulling her into his chest. It felt nice, it felt safe. Tillie breathed, relieved that she didn't frighten him off. They stayed like that, just holding each other.

"Tillie, I don't think you could ever frighten me away. I'm too entranced with you," Spencer pulled away enough to be able to look her in the eyes. Cupping her cheek with one hand, he rested his forehead against hers. "I don't ever want you to be afraid that I'll leave you because I won't. I couldn't." He paused, constructing his words in his head. "I don't know if I'm ready to say it back quite yet, Tills. But I'm getting there. Just give me some more time, yeah?"

Tillie was relieved in his declaration, and she expected disappointment should he have not said it back. But she wasn't. Because she knew that even if he couldn't say it yet, he still cared for her. And that was enough.