Lombardus: The Trident Clown

Chapter 19 ☬

Sorry about the
Extreme graphic images
You'll get from reading

RUPERT WAS A BEAUTIFUL LIAR. 

That boy can tell some whoopers. His grandma was everything but nice. Her name alone, Sophia, made my eardrums to suffer. 

Oh and thanks to those peppermints, my taste buds still stung as if a colony of termites were drilling holes inside them for their subterranean homes.

"Who the worm are you?!" The grey-haired woman snapped as she got closer to Luke. Then, her eyes darted to the shards of glass lying on the grass. "You broke my lickpenny wedding jar!"

The balloon in my stomach popped, making me gasp in fear on behalf of Luke. She's a badass granny. A real badass.

"I'm sorry," Luke croaked like a fallen dragon toad. "I tripped and —" He faltered. Oh yes, he's still quite in a fallen state.

Lady Sophia yanked him up by the scruff of his neck with a hand.

I shuddered. Man, was she strong! I shot Lucy an urgent look, like, Let's run away, she's a Diana in disguise.

Dianas are always strong. Take the Roman goddess of the hunt, for instance. As a hefty guy, you wouldn't want to mess with her. Unless you're homo with no wild intention. 

And then the Amazon warrior, also known as Wonder Woman. You shouldn't challenge her man to man (friendly advice). Or woman to woman either. She's crunched bones before and she'd do it again. (Yes, chicken bones and boners.)

Lady Sophia eyed Luke like he was a poor stray labrador. "You aren't Rumbelow, hmm?" She sniffed.

But wait… Labrador retrievers are supposedly famous as guide dogs. They aren't supposed to get lost. Nevermind. You won't get this. (I meant the labrador. Stay lost.)

Luke, still hanging at the mercy of the woman, was rendered speechless by her incredible might.

"Are you Timmy Dee?" She jiggled the lost Labrador by its collar. The dry, raspy sound of Luke's cotton fabric ripping filled the atmosphere.

For a moment, Luke watched her, his mouth agape. Nodding vigorously, he answered, "Yes, I am." Apparently, he thought she was asking if he were timid of her.

"Ahh," Sophia's eyes widened. "I'm so sorry, Timmy Dee. I've been waiting for you all day. I'm Lady Sophia, by the way." She extended her liver spotted hand without dropping Luke.

He took it, giving the woman the pleading teddy-bear eyes.

"You're the estate agent that was going to buy our farm in Straddfordshire, aren't you?"

"Yes, that's me," Luke shook his head like a Hawaiian hula car dancing doll, certainly looking uncertain. The collar of his tearing shirt dug more into his neck as he nodded, constricting his windpipe.

"Such a pity it's not on the market anymore." Lady Sophia canopied her forehead with her free hand.

"Why!?" Luke managed to ask with the same ounce of surprise Lady Sophia had uttered to recognize him as Timmy Dee earlier. In other words, he was playing along pretty well. "I was so bent on buying that farm, wasn't I?"