Many people sit down to talk about their hobbies or interests. The only things occupying my mind are memories. Most of them aren't even pleasant. Here are the ones that haven't been entirely forgotten. Some are more vivid than others.
...
I will be...
Content Warning: Sexual content. Suicidal ideation.
I spent the last month of school as a mindless zombie. My steps were aimless. My breaths, pointless. My body felt on fire and frozen at once.
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Most mornings, I fought to get up. The candle in the bathroom made me nauseous. I wished that I'd just drown in the shower.
Spencer's best friend and his ex girlfriend had broken up. His best friend soon became mine, and we talked often, bonding over our simultaneous breakups. He frequently shared insider information on Spencer, telling me about his hangouts with other girls and stuff he had been saying about me. He was painting my ex in a bad light on the daily.
Spencer noticed us seeming closer and grew paranoid. I told him that we were just both coping with heartbreak after being dumped.
My ex started to hang out with the girls from the party more often. I'd see them walking together in the hallways, laughing and smiling. It had been months since we had done that together. They'd go swimming and they'd have barbecues. Without me. His ex would post videos and photos from all of the functions, so I blocked her. I couldn't handle it anymore. He said I was childish for that.
After a month of torture, of seeing the man I loved with other women, Mom noticed something was up.
She never knew that we were dating, despite always taking me to his house and seeing us talk. She asked what was wrong, and I said that he had betrayed me and hurt my feelings. That he didn't want to hang out with me anymore, as a friend. She believed me. She said that he wasn't a good friend and she didn't want me to see him at all anymore, because he treated me poorly.
I agreed because I thought I'd never see him again.
His best friend had a birthday party at the end of May. I showed up early to help his mom put up decorations and cook. I took advantage of that time alone with his mom to ask advice, as she might've been a better judge of Spencer's character than I was. She was taken aback at how he had treated me, but not all that surprised. She told me she'd have a word with him because she felt I was a good girl that loved him.
While waiting for Spencer to make an appearance, his friend and I sat together on his bed and watched a movie. He tried to get close, to hold me, but I grew nauseous. I awkwardly scooted away.
Spencer arrived late, having been at a slumber party with the girls. That news reignited the fire in me. I ran to tell his friend's mom that bit of info. She immediately pulled him aside.
When they were finished, Spencer came out quietly. He slipped on his shoes and waved me over wordlessly. He seemed empty, emotionless. I followed meekly, ditching the shoes in favor of hurrying after him. And also hoping that the warmth of the earth on my bare feet would provide some courage.
We argued as we walked around the block. He expressed that he did not know how I felt, but that he felt he hadn't done anything wrong. I explained how I had felt unsafe regarding the girls for a while now and, given his track record of cheating, I didn't trust him. He exasperated and made angry gestures, while I kept my hands clasped behind me. He hastily threw in that he was worried about his friend and I, that his friend had a tendency to go after his leftovers. I assured him that we would not become a thing, despite how hypocritical his worry was.
