ADOPTED BY THE SIDEMEN

• Honesty •

I take my dirty mug and plate into the kitchen and wash them up before placing them on the drying rack. I then refill my water glass and walk upstairs to my room. Sometimes, when I sleep on thoughts and issues, I wake up feeling loads better in the morning. I haven't had the best sleeping schedule this week, so the lack of sleep could also explain why I'm feeling so dodgy today.

I walk into my room and put the water on my bedside table. I then move into the bathroom and sigh when I see my reflection in the mirror. I'm so pale and weak looking. I don't like it.

I raise the sleeves from my arms and sigh at the cuts lining my arms. Some have bled, and others have dried into scabs. They look horrible, yet make me feel good about myself. Whenever I do wrong, self harm always seems the right punishment to give myself.

Knock knock

"Holly?"

"Fuck," I mutter, quickly pulling my sleeves down as JJ pokes his head around the open bathroom door.

"You okay?" JJ asks, looking at me.

I nod. That was too close.

"Do you want to talk about what happened?"

JJ's voice is neutral and calm, but I find a tinge of dismissal. It's not his fault for sounding that way. It's my fault for pushing him away and getting him used to my frail independence. Sometimes I feel bad for telling JJ I don't want to talk, because I know he wants to help me feel better. I know the dismissal comes from me telling him to leave me alone.

"Yeah, actually"

When the words leave my mouth, JJ's eyebrows raise in surprise. He's not used to me wanting to talk about the way I feel.

"Well you finish up in here and I'll wait in the room," JJ says, giving me an encouraging smile.

***

After washing my face and breathing through my anxious thoughts, I join JJ in my room and see him sitting in my gaming chair. He's playing around with my headset and stops when he sees me approaching.

JJ leaves my chair and sits on my bed. I take the chair instead and pull my knees to my chest, being comforted as I hug them tightly. JJ doesn't say anything and waits for me to start.

"I didn't fall in the pool. I wanted to intentionally drown"

JJ looks up from his hands. He looks stricken and I can see a flicker of worry and confusion pass through his eyes.

I realize I just said that out loud randomly, but it feels good to get everything off my chest. It feels good to be honest and speak the truth, no matter how much it hurts someone.

"I know I said I slipped in, but I haven't been honest and it's been killing me. It's been so heavy to carry that around and I'm sorry"

"Holly-"

"Dad, let me finish"

JJ nods and shuts his mouth. He looks at me directly and I swallow hard, feeling shaky at the thought of telling him everything. I know I have to. To get him to understand the real person I am.

"I miss Amber and I miss Harry and I miss the old Sidemen house. I don't care that you flirt with women or go on lots of dates with them, but I do want to know when you have a girlfriend because it hurts me when you don't tell me these things"

JJ nods along with everything I say, listening without interrupting me. He's fully immersed in what I'm saying and I'm glad that JJ's a good listener.

When I'm quiet for a long time, JJ asks me if I'm done.

"Not yet," I mumble, letting my fingers tug my sleeves upwards.