ADOPTED BY THE SIDEMEN

• Honesty •

JJ sighs. "I don't really know, sweetie. We're just...talking at the moment. I promise I'll tell you when we move further, yeah?"

I nod and rest my chin on one of the sofa cushions. JJ eyes me carefully and he rubs my back, a small smile resting on his face.

"How was stream?"

I shrug. "It was okay"

JJ continues to rub my back but I notice him slowing down. I lower my eyes to the carpeted floor and curse myself for being such an open book. JJ always knows when something's off.

"Did someone say something to you?" JJ asks, frowning as he kicks into dad mode.

I shake my head no. The way I'm feeling is self-inflicted and I hate myself for making myself feel so downhearted. There's a lot of shit that's been weighing on me lately and I don't know how to speak or reach out and seek help. It's like my mouth has been sewn shut.

"Holly?"

"Hmm?"

"Can you look at me for a sec?"

I shake my head no and shut my eyes. My body starts to shake and I really don't feel well. I know it's just the anxiety, but it still scares me. You'd think having anxiety for as long as I have I'd have learnt how to deal with it by now.

"You don't want to look at me?" JJ asks, his tone soft. "Why not?"

I don't say anything and keep looking at the floor instead.

"Angel, it's okay to be upset," JJ says, gently pulling me into a hug.

I continue to say nothing as JJ's arms circle around me. He squeezes gently and rests his chin on the top of my head, rubbing my back slowly.

"If you miss Amber, I'm sorry and I know it's soon, but-"

"This isn't about you being on the phone with the girl," I finally say, shaking my head. "I just feel terrible for no reason at all"

JJ's quiet for a bit.

"How can I help?"

"I don't think you can," I mumble. "I'm sorry for being like this"

JJ frowns and shakes his head, taking my face in his hand. He raises my chin so I'm looking at him.

"Sweetheart, you don't ever have to apologize for feeling this way. I want you to feel comfortable and safe enough to talk to me about these things and I'm so proud that you're telling me now, yeah?"

I nod, but feel the guilt about lies in the past cloud my mind. I hate lying to JJ and I wish I could just tell him everything.

"Stay here, okay?" JJ says, gently unwrapping himself from around me.

I nod and nibble my thumbnail as JJ disappears into the kitchen. I pull out my phone and scroll through Twitter as I wait for him to come back.

A few minutes later JJ reenters the living room, cup of tea in one hand and a small plate of shortbread in the other. He sets it down on the coffee table in front of me.

"I'm going to go shower," JJ says, tossing me the TV remote. "Drink your tea, have some shortbread and we can have a chat in a bit if you're up for it"

JJ ruffles my hair and kisses the top of my head before jogging upstairs to his room. I don't deserve his kindness at all.

***

After having my hot tea and watching some TV, I yawn and check my phone. It's ten pm. It's not late, but it's not early either. I'm quite tired too.