Side By Side

18

Warnings:
-Mentions death

Clay's POV

After hours of fighting, we finally defeated the enemy. They retreated after losing hundreds of their soldiers and we won this battle, getting picked up by trucks again after making sure no one of the enemy was alive anymore.

We rescued a young mother with her baby and a few kids and they were brought to the hospital because the mother yelled in German that she didn't have any food for weeks and nothing for her baby either.

I was walking around the camp as I cleaned my weapon. Sapnap looked at me and stood up too. 'Clay, you haven't been yourself.'

I glanced up and then sighed softly, looking back down while I continued walking around. 'I don't know either...'

'Clay, come with me, please. I want to talk to you, let's go into our barrack.'

I nodded slowly and walked with him to the barrack, sitting down on my sleeping bag next to Sapnap. He reached out to grab my hand and smiled shortly, breathing out before he started talking.

'I don't know if you actually still want this,' he admitted. 'And maybe you do, maybe I'm just wrong, but you were so scared this afternoon, you barely talked and you were really hurt by those two guys.'

I looked him in the eyes and sighed. 'It's not that I don't want to be here... but after my injury, I learnt how much I actually care about the people around me. George, Karl, my parents and you... I guess I miss them and that with those two boys... I saw you die in front of me and I saw myself scream from the pain.'

'Do you want to continue, Clay? Because you need to accept death if you do,' he asked, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.

'I want to continue, I want to fight and be a part in freeing the world, but I just can't switch back to the heartless person I was the first time. Death hurts me, it makes me scared that I'll never see my family and friends again and leave them behind in pain like that guy today...'

'You can't fight like this, Clay,' Sapnap admitted. 'You need to accept death or you'll be terrified and hurt each time we will go to war again. If you can't switch to that mindset, you can't fight either.'

'Did you switch?' I asked quietly, leaning back to lay down.

He nodded. 'Yes, I did. I'm dead like you learnt me, death doesn't hurt me anymore. I need to fight and if I survive then I can be happy.'

'But my parents... George and Karl...'

'We said goodbye to them. They know there's a chance we won't return. Yes, they will be sad when you die, but they already know there's a chance you can die. They've accepted that.'

I nodded slowly and held my hands under my head. 'Sometimes I think I'm just crazy. I was shot twice, lost both my legs and I was deaf for a long time... I wonder why I thought it was a good idea to risk my life again.'

'Because this is your dream,' Sapnap yelled as he sat down in front of me, lifting my head up. 'Do you remember how much you wanted to join, but everyone told you that you couldn't do it? Do you realise you're giving them what they wished for? You're giving up? YOUR DREAM?'

I knew he was trying to make me mad like I made myself mad in the past when I felt like giving up.

'You dreamt about this when you were six. You joined the army, proved everyone wrong and fought for years. You wanted to come back, YOU CRIED BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T. Don't you dare give up now, you've come this far and not without a reason!'

I looked at him with a soft smile and he hit my shoulder.

'Wake up from this "I want to be with my family" shit. You're not going to be with them, you need to fight and show everyone what you have in you. If you give up now, you will regret it forever. If you leave now, you can't just come back again. If you give up, they will kick you out because they can't have soldiers who don't want to fight every now and then.'

I nodded as he grabbed my weapon and pushed it into my hands.

'Make your choice. Either give up now and leave forever with the chance you'll regret it forever or keep fighting until you can't anymore. I'm just saying that you don't want to give the bullies what they wanted.'

It made me angry to think about the bullies and I did not want to give them what they always wished for. I jumped up and smiled.

'I'm fighting until I can't anymore. I love you, Sap. I'm not leaving you no matter how hard it will get. I will only leave if I actually can't fight anymore.'

He smiled brightly and pulled me closer, giving me a tight hug. 'That's what I want to hear from my brother. Don't give up, never give the bullies what they want. I don't want to give up, because one day I'm visiting my parents in jail and I'll show them what I'm made of.'

I pressed a short kiss on his jaw and we broke the hug. 'I love you so much,' I whispered. 'Thank you for always being here with me and accepting me the way I am. Thank you for not caring about my sexuality because I've always been so insecure about it.'

He grinned and pressed multiple kisses on my forehead. 'A straight guy can kiss a gay guy without feeling and a gay guy can kiss a straight guy without feelings. It's called love, brotherly love, friendly love. It's just a kiss, it's not like we make out or anything. I love you and appreciate you so I kiss your forehead.'

He kissed my cheek with a grin. 'Or your cheek.'

'It's enough!' I wheezed as he kissed my jaw too. 'I love you too, but that's enough kisses for a week!'

He chuckled. 'I'm just showing you my love,' he scoffed. 'I can't even show my love to my brother?'

I rolled my eyes. 'You're just an idiot. Come on, let's go outside to have some food!'

1072 words