The Dealers

Chapter 57 - Lena

It dawned on me then—in that suddenly crystal clear moment—what I needed to do. Tessa had pretty much given me a death sentence unless I unloaded some of this baggage on some unsuspecting human. How could I do that? Sure, this hand wasn't my own making but I wasn't totally innocent by any means. Whoever we roped into doing this would never have a normal life again—something that was stolen from my in a way. I could't hand down that sentence.

I wouldn't.

In the end, I was the wild card—the messed up variable that was causing everything to spin out of whack. Noah and his world were fine before me—so was Azrael. Once I got involved, things got complicated and quick, too.

The way I saw it, I had to take myself out of the equation.

"What are you thinking?" Noah's voice snapped me back to reality. I paused for a moment and resisted the now dull—but still familiar—urge to reach out for him. He noticed that but said nothing as I crossed my arms over my chest instinctively.

"What do you mean?" I smiled, trying to distract him from the clearly nervous look on my face. But, Noah knew me too well and he didn't buy it. I could tell by the way he arched his eyebrow at me that he knew something was on my mind.

"Your wheels are turning." Noah sighed, almost offended that I questioned the way he could read me. Even after everything that happened between us, he could still read me like a book.

"I don't know what you mean?" I half-smiled at him.

Scoffing at my failed attempt to lie to him, he asked me again, "the truth, Lena."

For a split second, I contemplated telling him what I was really thinking but honestly, it terrified me to consider. What was I planning to do? What was I willing to do?

"I'm just ready for it to be over." I sighed—which in my defense, wasn't a total lie.

Noah examined me for a moment but then decided not to push any further.

"It will come to an end." He assured me. "I know it might not seem like there's a decent end in sight but we'll find one—hell, we'll make one if we have to."

I wanted so much to believe his words and cling to the hope that it was meant to inspire but he only reaffirmed the choice I'd already made. Although I didn't want to admit it and in some ways, I considered it a cowardly out—I had not other alternative.

I wasn't going to hurt anyone or let anyone else get hurt because of me. Too much of that happened already and my heart couldn't take anymore guilt. If things were meant to work out a different way, they would have already. The window for options was closing and if I didn't act soon, I would take everyone else down with me.

"Lena..." Noah's voice said sharply, his hand familiarly on my shoulder as he almost shook me to attention. "What's going on?"

I looked up at him and fought back the tears that stung my eyes. I knew that if I let anything slip—even slightly—they would try to stop me. No one would understand this, especially not Noah and sure as hell not Azrael. Whatever they both felt for me—or still felt for me—was artificial. The feelings they thought they had for me would cloud their judgment. They were both biased when it came to me and I couldn't let them catch a hint of what I was planning.

A million memories came flooding back as I looked into Noah's eyes. So many feelings that I had since forgotten or pushed aside bombarded me and it was almost too much. I would miss Noah and I would miss everything we once had. Even though it didn't work out, somehow I wouldn't trade a second we shared together.