Serendipity

Be a man

"So," I whisper. Sydney's eyes fly open, the whites shining in the dark. They slowly slide over to me.

"What," He whispers back, sounding more than a little peeved.

It's been about an hour since we went to bed, and since I haven't been able to sleep, I've been diligently bothering Sydney every few minutes as a form of entertainment.

He refused to continue cuddling with me after I asked him what time it was for the fifth time, and now I'm pressed against the wall while Sydney lays on his back, holding his arms close to his body. I watch his fists clench and unclench.

"What-" I begin to ask, but he cuts me off.

"If you ask me what time it is one...more... time..." He says slowly, his voice low. I feel a shiver run down my spine- the kind of shiver that a deer gets when it hears the growl of a wolf about to strike. "I swear to God I will shatter both of your kneecaps while you sleep."

"Well," I grin. "I suppose it's a good thing that we'll be staying awake all night, then."

"I... Hate... You." He moans, dragging a hand down his face.

"You know that's not true," I poke his cheek with my finger. He turns his head towards it and snaps his teeth at me like an alligator. I yank my hand back before he can make contact.

"Shut up or I'm never letting you stay over again," He mumbles.

"You know, you still haven't told me the time," I remind him helpfully. "By the way."

His sigh sounds more like a deflation. He reaches over and grabs his phone off the nightstand.

"Midnight fucking thirty," He says, glancing at the screen before quickly turning it back off. "Go to sleep."

"I'd feel better if we could cuddle," I offer.

"No," He shakes his head. "Then you'd just bother me closer."

"I promise this time I'll be quiet."

"Really?" His voice is skeptical.

"Hundred percent."

"If I even hear a whisper," He grumbles, reluctantly gesturing for me to come closer. "I'll kick back and ruin your knees."

"I believe you," I agree, scooching over and wrapping my arms around him. He sighs and presses against me, bringing his hand up to twine our fingers. I feel his soft breath on my skin, and eventually, he relaxes.

"I don't hate you," He whispers after a minute. "Just so you know."

I smile and open my mouth to speak, then remember his threat from earlier and close it again. Instead, I hug him tighter. He sighs.

"Just wanted to say that," He whispers, even softer this time.

"Thank you," I breathe, deciding to risk it. I hear him snort. "I appreciate the clarification."

"Anytime," He nods.

---

I'm falling. Falling down, down, down. Spiralling into the darkness below. I thrash and kick and scream and try to escape, but my voice won't come, and the only thing I can do is fall.

Voices swarm my brain as I sink deeper into the darkness.

"Worthless."

"Weak."

"I don't want to hear your voice."

"Be a man."

"Such a disappointment."

"I wish we'd had a girl instead."

"Why didn't I make your mother abort you?"

The words sound familiar, but the voice shifts from people I know, and someone I haven't heard from in a long time.

"Timothy," A new voice says. "Timothy." The word cuts through the darkness like a knife made of light, but the effect doesn't last. The darkness pools back into the wound, inky black blotting out the thin light.

I try to reach for it, I try pleading for the voice to come again, anything to escape the abyss.

Eventually it happens again, but this time the knife is a great sword, not just cutting through the darkness but dicing and chopping and slicing until there's only light and fragments of darkness that shrivel up and fizzle away.

"Timothy," This time I recognize the voice. Sydney. "Timothy, you're okay."

I reach out with invisible fingers, stretching out as far as I can go towards the source of the sound. The farther I stretch, the more warm it becomes, until I'm surrounded by light and gentle warmth that wraps around me and holds me tight, a calming embrace that keeps away the darkness that tries to slither back.

My heart and breathing slow, and I allow myself to sink into the cocoon of warmth that surrounds me. The foreign, yet undeniable feeling of... safety...washes over me.

"I've got you," Sydney's voice says, adding another layer to the warmth. "You're okay."

And, for once, I can agree.

---

"Mm," I yawn, lifting a hand to scrub the sleep out of my eyes. I feel Sydney underneath my arm, and I have one leg tossed over his, but I'm super comfy.

"Fuck," Sydney moans, stretching his limbs out slowly. "I'm so tired."

"Sorry," I mumble, curling closer. "I kept you up last night."

"Yeah," But for some reason his 'yeah' doesn't sound like a 'yeah, I agree', it's more of a 'yeah...funny you mention that...' kinda 'yeah'. I frown, my mind still foggy from sleep.

"What happened?" I ask.

"Eh," He yawns. "Not much. Just got woken up."

"By...?"

"It doesn't matter."

"...it was me, wasn't it?" I open my eyes and pull away. Sydney turns around with a grunt and studies me with a gaze still slightly unfocused with the remaining effects of sleep. His hair is in a comical poof above his head, but I can tell that mine isn't any better.

"And if it was?" He asks. "What're you gonna do about it?"

"I-" I wince. "I don't know. But at least I'd be able to apologize."

"You don't need to apologize, though," He shakes his head. "It's not your fault you have nightmares."

The word makes me wince again. "Did I kick you?"

He snorts. "Maybe once or twice."

"Ugh," I groan. "I'm so sorry."

"Again, it's fine," He assures me. "I'm pretty sure you didn't leave any bruises, so it's not like there was any lasting damage."

"But still," I quickly look him up and down, scanning for any injuries I might've caused. "I feel bad."

"Well, don't," Sydney shrugs. "Now, I'm pretty sure it's still a school day, so we're gonna have to get up and get going."

I curse under my breath. Good thing I prepared, but I still can't believe I forgot what day it is.

"And, uh," Sydney reaches over and touches my shoulder gently, suddenly looking concerned. "Quick question."

"Yes?" I tilt my head.

"Do you remember your dreams at all?"

I blink.

"...No," I say slowly. "All I can remember is the things I feel if I wake up in the middle of it."

He smiles, but I can see the tiredness hiding in the corners of his eyes. "Good."