Fear Games

5. In Memoriam

"I think as ready as we'll ever be," I said.

"Okay, good," Eden said. "Here goes nothing."

KAEL

As we entered the funeral home, my sisters, Emerald, and I made our way up to the front, where we had designated spots for being Freddy's friends in his final moments. The people who were already sitting in the row were Colton, German, and my girlfriend Arya. I made sure to get a seat next to Arya, while Cinder sat on the other side of me.

My girlfriend smiled weakly at me and placed her hand on top of mine. "How are you holding up, babe?"

I wasn't doing alright at all. My anxiety was building up inside of me like a storm ready to wreak havoc on the town. Part of me didn't even feel like I truly belonged up in the front, in any kind of honorable way. Just because I was with Freddy when he died didn't mean that I was worthy of any kind of respect. I should have been able to save my friend, but I couldn't. In fact, if he hadn't been friends with me in the first place, he probably would have still been alive. This was all my fault and I couldn't have been the only one who knew it.

Instead of saying what I was truly feeling, I found myself saying, "I'm okay, I guess. I'm just...sad, that's all."

Arya nodded in understanding as she used her other hand to brush her long blonde hair out of her face. "I understand that. I know that Freddy was a good friend to you. He was a great guy."

"That's definitely an understatement," I muttered. "I don't even know if I'd be able to look his parents in the face."

As if God was somehow listening and decided to punish me, I watched as Freddy's mother and father came over to our row. His mom looked as though she had been crying nonstop, her face soaked with tears. His dad's face was more stoic, stern. Both of them were dressed in black as well, as if we couldn't make this whole thing depressing enough.

His father said, "Thank you all for coming today. We want you to know we understand how hard all of this has been on you, and how brave you are for coming out of the safety of your homes to come here today. Freddy would be proud to have had friends like you."

"Kael and German was Freddy's best friends," Cinder said, patting me on the shoulder. "Both of them deserve the recognition for that."

Freddy's mom said, through her sobs, "Kael, German...we know that Freddy cared for both of you strongly. He loved having you as friends. Even though he's...gone...I know he wouldn't want you to blame yourselves."

"Please don't," his father said. "My wife and I blame ourselves enough for everyone. There's no reason for you to carry around any guilt, either. We hope you enjoy the service." As they walked away, I couldn't unravel the knot that had formed in my stomach and I felt as though I was going to throw up. Panic washed over me, from my head to my toes, like a current trying to pull me under. My throat closed up and I couldn't get a single word out. I was completely frozen.

As if she understood something was wrong, Arya said, "Kael, are you okay?"

I shook my head. "I'll be right back," I said as I jumped up and rushed down the aisle toward the bathroom. Once inside, I raced to the stall, put my head in the toilet, and vomit started to rise up in my throat. There was no use in holding it back. Letting it all go, I couldn't stop the shaking, and soon I realized that I was crying as well.

When did this turn into my life? I'd always struggled with anxiety a bit, but ever since what happened with the Fear Games, events like this happened quite frequently, at least once a day. How was I supposed to function in life anymore when all I wanted to do was curl up in bed under the blankets and never set foot outside? I wanted to tell my mother—or someone in general—that I was having a much harder time with this than Cinder or Emerald, but how was I supposed to admit that? Toxic masculinity may have lessened in twenty years, but it still existed. I was meant to be the strong one. I was the man of my house now that Dad was gone. I wasn't supposed to be falling apart like this.