video games | t. chalamet

quiet, the winter harbor

we finally get to colin's. the group is already there and nicki walks with me to the dorm. he doesn't leave my side.

'hey!' were greated by everyone. alexis's here and she gives me a hug. i pretend like im alright. not wanting to show how much i want to cry in a corner till i can't anymore but im not going to show anyone that. everyone says hi to colin and nicki, dabbing them up.

'hi, babe' i say smiling as alexis hugs me.

'hi how are you!' she says happy and pulls away.

'i'm good! how was cheer?' we go to the kitchen.

'it was alright, you know hard as fuck but hopefully the team pulls it together' she says opening the fridge to get a drink and grabs two smirnoffs. she hands one to me and i unscrew the lid, chugging half the bottle.

'yeah, well i'm sure by nationals you'll be amazing' i give her an encouraging smile as we walk back out to the living room.

'thanks that means a lot' she gives me a sad smile and i squeeze her hand as we sit down on colin's couch. alexis eat, sleeps, and breathes cheer. ever since she was a little girl she's been in cheer so it's no surprise to me that it has this much effect on her. these social outings are a way for her to decompress and distract a little.

and that's when it hit me. was i the problem in our relationship. the fights we had i caused them. was i wrong to feel the way i did back them.

i sat down thinking about how it ended but also about how it began. the start of our relationship. the feeling of getting to know each other and the little things he would do that always warmed my heart; now all i want to do is disappear, sleep, cry, yell until this feeling is gone. i've become lost in my own thoughts too numb to notice anything around me.

'aurora?' someone says in the distance.

'aurora?!' i snap out of my trance seeing a worried alex and nicki come into view and nicki is shaking me and crouching beside me so we're the same height.

'what?' i whisper trying to focus and what is happening in the present and i take a sip of my drink.

'are you okay?' alex says and exchanges a glance with nicki.

'yeah sorry i just spaced out for a bit' trying to make it seem like i'm fine i smile, and they look relaxed now.

i hate the feeling of my friends always having to take care of me and make sure im alright. being taught growing up that vulnerability is a weakness has a lot to do with that. my mother has a lot to do with that. 

nick sits on the floor beside me and just then jason enters the dorm; everyone cheers. behind him is his bandmates and a few other people who were at the gig. i scroll through my phone not wanting to acknowledge anyone right now.

'aurora, are you going to tell me what happened?' i hear nicki ask over the loud rock music. i look up and see him looking at me with curious eyes. it feels weird to tell him, we are really close but still. i look over at alex and she's talking to stevie so she's distracted.

'i was with timothee in the bathroom' i whisper yell so that way he can only hear it. he raises his eyebrows in shock, he's silent.

'yeah' and with that i get up and go to colin's bedroom which is thankfully empty. i lock the door as tears pour down my face finally accepting the sadness and letting it out.

i fall to my knees and crawl to the edge of colin's bed sobbing, my back leaning on his bed as i hug my legs.

the same thoughts fill my head; losing someone i love, and not being enough for someone that's supposed to shower me with love.

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i just wanted to say that auroras problems in this story or much deeper than what happened with timothee and feeling betrayed by him. she's trying to over come her childhood trauma as well. 

xoxo