Letters From a Betrayed Wife

Letter 7: Flight

You are just a selfish child, stuck in ways of seeking admiration from others.

People can be in touch spots in relationships, but not cheat.

That is an integrity disorder when they cheat. People can be in touch spots in relationships, but not cheat. That is an integrity disorder when they cheat.

It needs to be attended and cured.

I've never been a jealous person. I always had blind faith in YOU. I saw the womenfolk in close contact with you but it never bothered me. I believed that you only had eyes for me.

Now that's changed because your infidelities were at the most extreme measures with sex with multiple partners, sex with strangers, so many lies, so much manipulation, gas lighting, numerous affairs and then getting STDs from those people. I feel like I was tricked.

All my blind faith in you is gone forever.

And I'm supposed to just try and go back to being fine with it.

You don't realise it has changed me too.

We're not normal and I don't know if we ever will be again.

I feel like if you would have done the work to be remorseful and make me feel secure we would be a lot further by now as you want us to reconcile and let it go like that.

It is incredibly hard when you behave like that.

I want support and reassurance from my partner that I don't get. When you lash out and act defensive over it, that doesn't feel remorseful at all. Lack of remorse and empathy can be so damaging towards the healing process and I wish that you realize that and take into account. You say that no one cares about your feelings, meanwhile you are completely shutting me down while you claim to be in a vulnerable state. Let me tell you that you wouldn't be in this place if you hadn't have cheated in the first place. I strongly recommend the book "Out of the Doghouse" if you're willing to read it. It will help you put things in the required perspective till you get ready for expert help in case you are willing to make it.

My heart breaks for myself as I deserve to be supported, comforted and listened to for my feelings to be validated. It makes me so angry when you can't seem to take the consequences for your choices putting me through all the pain that I'm drowning in but I have to hide my emotions I have to tread carefully so that not to upset my husband too much. This is not safe and it is verbal-emotional abuse.

I wish to be able to talk about my feelings, triggers as they pop up and the insecurities that come with them.

I want to admit it that I am unable to bring these things up without being very angry and agitated. With time, support and patience I may come up with a system that works for us and that includes specific language that will allow me to express my feelings. So I let you know as my husband because I need your support. You clearly know why I feel the way I do and why my trust is broken and that doesn't need to be rehashed.

My point is, I will not be able to rebuild an ounce of trust if you are completely shutting me off and not hearing me. Sometimes when I have a trigger all I need you to say that you understand why I may feel that way and listen to me.

We may be in a solid and loving place in future if you do all this but right now it is brutal. I truly think that recovery is something that will never end, that is something that will constantly have to be worked on for the remainder of our life or our relationship.

I'm trying to communicate it all through writing you letters to avoid fights. I don't want to take a flight like you did. I'm not a quitter. I don't want to have a face to face conversation with someone trying to devalue and minimise the trauma of my bad experience given by him only. If I do it then you react to escape like that and I tend to lose my track. I have found this helpful because I could get my thoughts out clearly without emotions clouding things and heating up the conversation. I deserve peace being under trauma.

I realize from your behaviour that you still have the urge to cheat which is just buried somewhere deep within you because you are terrified right now of losing the comfort /stability of me and the children, (You always want his cake and to eat it too) and you are terrified of all of your secrets coming out. You are terrified of the carefully crafted reputation that you have created for yourself being demolished.

You are not ready to seek help from a therapist and you claim that you want your family and me.

You are terrified that your reputation that you have presented to everyone will be tarnished. That's probably one of the first thing that a sex addict and porn freak worries about. It's all about you at first and no, you cannot just stop especially if diagnosed.

This should be the least of your worries at the moment. Reputation is what others think of you, integrity is what you know or believe about yourself. You are ok with living a lie, a crafted, calculated lie that you have drummed up.

This is what the experts say about the type of behaviour you show, "I am being emotionally abused and this is gas lighting. It is not even acceptable to expect that I get over the cheating and not bring it up because it makes you feel uncomfortable .

If you gets defensive and blame me, makes me feel crazy and confused, doesn't empathize or even appear to understand or care, this is done on purpose, this is a big red flag to assess what you want for/from me.

You think that infidelity is not an abuse. You believe people are 'nuanced' and 'intentionally' hurting their partners. You even believe that PTSD from betrayal is just a self-regulation issue. You defend cheating being a cheater themselves.

You have done me wrong but you are projecting your shame and guilt onto me to make yourself stay in control of the situation by making me doubt everything about myself. If you are not ready to go to a therapist for help then you are terrified of all your secrets coming out. You are terrified of the crafted reputation that you have created for yourself being demolished."

If you loved me the way I deserved you would be doing everything you could to make things up to me.

That means growing from an immature boy, into a real mature man that too all by yourself, without any prompting done by me or our therapist which is not possible. Had it been possible you would have been a changed man after the revelation. You would have never blamed me for your actions of cheating rather you would have owned them by being accountable for your actions, booking the counselling/therapy yourself, doing the research, being patient without getting upset about my taking time for me and my healing and even yours and the list goes on as you know very well about the abnormalities of your behaviour. let's just say your actions speak louder than words.

Actually I have become better by working on myself and not living for your compliments to make me feel good which I think scares you.

I'm not crazy, you are so enough is enough. I want to take my life and my control back in my hands.

This is my final ultimatum to you that you need to figure out what you want.

A cheating spouse who is not willing to own the trauma they have caused and the responsibility to walk/work with you 100% to complete recovery is not "all in" for the marriage. I don't know any other way to say it.

If you want me and our family start working for it otherwise you have already done enough to lose us forever.

I rest my case here.

A deceived shattered wife,

Serena