runaway train [corpse]

the lamb.

as the weeks continued to go by, Corpse and i continued to grow closer in our relationship.

he eventually left the hotel he had been staying at to go back home and attempt to get his life in order. we had been having so much fun together; going out, staying in, making out, among other things. but he did have to get back to his place. some of his plants had died, so we made plans to go plant shopping together.

Amy knew that i was seeing someone, but she respected my boundary of not giving her a lot of information about the situation. i was glad she didn't push or pry- it meant that Corpse continued to be my own secret. although, over time, i wasn't really content or comfortable with calling him a secret. we weren't doing anything wrong, or shameful, and i didn't want to hold our private relationship over Amy's head. so i let myself casually tell her little details, like where we would go out to eat sometimes. she always appreciated restaurant recommendations.

she was also dating someone, though they were more casual than Corpse and i were, so she had plenty going on in her personal life to keep herself busy.

and life stayed busy.

even though Amy's non-profit had picked up a lot of support and volunteers, the hours were still long and demanding. not only physically, but emotionally. everyday was taxing. people needed help, and it often felt overwhelming, and endless. some nights she and i would stay up talking and wonder out loud if the work we were doing was truly making a difference. how much of an effect were we really having on the root of the issue? homelessness has a cause; were we making a lasting impact? we weren't sure. but still, we pressed on.

if we couldn't get together in person, Corpse would often call and ask for details of my day, and he waited patiently if i needed to cry something out, or even if i couldn't speak about something right away. the way he was there for me was so effortless, and he never made me feel like i owed him anything. in the bad times when i couldn't get the words out, and was lost inside my own head, he was there to help pull me out. and he allowed me to do the same for him. i could hardly handle the agony that gripped me during the times he needed to cry or be upset, but knowing that neither of us had to hide our emotions from each other was so freeing. i was used to being a doormat, but he never allowed me to be one.

there were so many times that we would be sitting together somewhere in silence, and i would look over at him, and be overwhelmed by the urge to kiss him and hold him. he had become the best friend i always wanted; the lover i could never hope to earn.

we spent quality time together, then he would go home and work on music or stream. i would go back to the apartment with Amy and we would plan for the next day.
my meds were working, and i knew i was happy. but something kept tugging at me that i had yet to figure out.

on one of our "date days", Corpse asked if he could drive us in my rental car and take us to an undisclosed location. excited and intrigued, i said yes, and let Amy know i would be gone for the day- it was a friday.

after arriving at Corpse's apartment and greeting him with a long kiss, we walked to my car and he got behind the wheel.

"i hope you like the surprise," he said after buckling himself into the seat.

i found myself gazing at him and giggling as he adjusted all my mirrors and the seat, because he was so much taller than me.

"me too. i didn't realize how much of a romantic you are," i replied, leaning over to kiss his cheek.

he turned toward me with a smile, and lifted my hand to his lips, giving the top of it a gentle peck.

"i'm a husband, after all," he said, and we laughed together while he began the drive.

it was a short drive, about 45 minutes, and i found myself confused as he was going in the direction of the non-profit. but then he made a right turn and we ended up passing through a cute little neighborhood.

as i looked around, he was watching my curious reactions, and smiling at me.

eventually he parked on the crowded street, and said, "we'll have to park here and walk down the block, because i know you'll love a lot of the stores we're gonna pass by."

the weather was perfect for walking that day, so i excitedly unbuckled my seatbelt and put on my mask before opening the car door.

i walked to the driver's side, Corpse meeting me halfway and putting my car keys into my small bag for me. his mask was also already on, and he interlocked his hand in mine as we started to walk down the street.

we looked around in a record store and bonded while talking about our favorite albums, stopped to get sweets at a bakery, peeked through the windows of a pottery shop, and then i felt him excitedly squeeze my hand.

"this next building is our date spot," he said, squinting his eyes at me in the sunlight. i squeezed his hand back. "this is where i ended up on the day i first saw you, like i said. the place where i feel safe, now including the person i feel safe with."

i blinked rapidly as tears were already threatening to escape my eyes at hearing his words.
i stopped walking and kissed him, finding it hard to come up with words in the moment.

we kissed for a few seconds and then broke apart before we could get too heated.

he then walked me over to a placed call The Trash Lamb Gallery. it was this small building, attached to a very cute plant shop, that was only open two days out of the week. we walked in and were greeted with incredibly friendly staff at the entrance who asked if it was my first time, as they had already recognized Corpse as a returning guest.

after chit-chatting with them, we made our way around the gallery, and pondered all the different kinds of interesting and weird pieces of art all over the place. sculptures, paintings, drawings- they had a little bit of everything with a lot of personality.

i very quickly understood why he felt safe there. he pointed out his favorite things in the gallery, explaining when something reminded him of another thing, or why something made him feel warm inside. all i could do was watch him, listen to him, and follow him as i hung onto every word.

we popped into the gift shop after he had shown me all the things he wanted me to see, and we ended up getting each other matching coffee mugs with eyeballs painted on the sides of them. we left the gift shop smiling and laughing together, waving goodbye to the staff.

"i already can't wait to go back," i told him as we stood under the shade of a tree out front of the building. "i feel like i understand you a little bit more."

his smiling eyes crinkled up at me as he responded, "good," and pulled me in for a long hug. i wrapped my arms around him and we stood there for a few minutes, unbothered by the people walking by; their peering, nosy eyes wondering why we were hugging for so long. we slowly separated and started walking down the street, the light breeze sending his curls out in waves around his head.

his eyes looked almost hazel in the sunlight.

"i feel so much relief when i'm with you," i said after a few minutes of walking silence.

"what do you mean?" he asked.

"it was the strangest thing, when we first met that night on the train. it was like once you sat down with me, even that first moment you spoke to me, it was like... i don't know. it was like the wait was over."

he stopped and looked at me, and i mirrored him, wondering how he was going to react to my words. he was waiting to see if i was finished speaking, so i continued.

"i thought it was mostly a relief rooted in the fact that you had saved me from that drunk guy, but it's a relief that hasn't gone away. like, a comfort. it feels like you've got me. am i making sense or am i being weird?"

he chuckled and shook his head. "you're not being weird at all, i just," he took a step back, like he usually did when he was taking a second to think about his words. "as you've been talking i just felt like 'oh. she put this feeling into words', like you always do."

it was my turn to shake my head, and i said, "there's so much more that i haven't said. i don't know if i could ever put the way i feel with you into words."

"then don't," he replied simply, and pulled me into a kiss.