No Regrets, Only Memories

Existential Dread

"No, tell me what's wrong. You were hiding in the garage all week in Bahrain and then you barely said a word to me only to show up at a marketing outing out of nowhere? Now you're crying after Christian left your room? What did he say to you? Are you going home?" She stared into my eyes for a moment. It was clear she was deciding on her next move, it was a habit she'd had for many years. She wouldn't dare speak without thinking if it was a serious issue.

"Christian gave me team orders to race as an individual last week." My eyebrows knit together in confusion.

"Last week when I was out after like two laps? What does that have to do with this?" She didn't say anything as she picked up her street clothes, clearly wanting to shower and change. This was important though. I was quick to block the door to the bathroom before she could hide in there herself.

"Don't you dare try and hide from me. What does that have to do with you crying right now? What did he say to you?" I accentuated each word on my question again, practically begging her to just give me an answer.

"He accused me of giving you the race! Is that what you wanted to hear Daniel?! Our boss accused me of handing a race to you because feelings were involved. He told me if I didn't get my shit together then I would go back to the factory!" She threw her clothes on the ground in a fit of rage, clearly upset that I made her talk about the situation at hand.

Feelings? My chest tightened at the idea, but the implications were long gone upon realizing that Christian was insinuating that she couldn't put things aside to compete.

"He did what? You got caught up with Seb, it was an accident. Why does that mean you gave me a race?" She shook her head as she leaned against the wall.

"Because I told him last week that I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't race you if you were in the better position to win." I looked down, thinking back to our race. I wasn't in the better position going into the race, she was.

"Did you crash on purpose?" Disbelief was laced in my voice as I realized that was the only way I was now ahead.

She had priority on everything after the race started, she was ahead of me. I literally watched her do incredibly well in qualifying. The accident with Seb was avoidable though. It was a rookie mistake.

"What?," She looked up at me with wide eyes, " Are you stupid? Why would I fucking do that?" Staring into her eyes, I searched for any part of it to be a lie. It all seemed inconclusive, something wasn't adding up. She was lying to me.

"Oh my god, you gave me a win..." I stepped past her, going straight for the door. She was the one that grabbed my wrist to stop me.

"Daniel, wait! I didn't give you the fucking race. It was a racing incident and I wasn't paying attention," That made me turn around. She was hyper focused in a car. Not paying attention wasn't something I'd hear her describe herself as ever," I thought you knew all the simulations they ran put me as the one to lead for the season. The whole race I was thinking about what you were going to say to me about that after we were out of the cars. I fucked up and wasn't paying attention."

No, I didn't know that. I didn't know a single fucking thing about it. My own team had someone else to beat me the whole year. My own team didn't think I had a chance to win with Max gone or even with him here. I also had the issue of what I wanted to talk to her about. My feelings were only getting stronger having her this close, but with this news, my heart was shattering into a million pieces. She lied to me, my team lied to me.

"Daniel?" I snapped out of my thoughts to her quiet voice calling my name. My wrist was still in her hand as she stared at me with desperate eyes, realizing she had fucked up in saying that to me.