Letters From a Betrayed Wife

Letter 4: Denial

The betrayal has broken my spirit, hardened my heart, and produced insecurities and feelings that I didn't even know I had. I've developed severe anxiety since discovering the affair through text messages, nude pictures and sex videos on your phone. It's so bad that I literally feel sick to my stomach on a daily basis. 

I'm stuck in a cycle of rumination about what happened that I can't seem to stop or control. Every time you leave the house, I'm wondering who you're with and if you're heating. Every phone call or text message you get, I'm wondering who sent the text and/or who's on the line. I hate my current behaviour.

This is not me!

I hate who I've become as a result of your betrayal.

In fact, I don't think I know who I am anymore.

The old Serena would never have even considered being with a man who cheated. I'm violating my own boundaries and it pisses me off. I'm disgusted by your touch right now and I don't know how I'm going to be able to have sex with you again without some thought about the girls/ women you had sex with repeatedly. Oh and to make matters worse, you cheated without using protection, all done during the height of the pandemic. Yes, I have had the sexual intercourse with you, so I have to worry about all the STDs. I have given my samples to be tested for STD panel tests which cover horrible diseases.

I'm on the brink of a total mental health breakdown. Our bond has been broken and I know that it will never be the same again. The day I found out, it felt like any positive feelings or love for you disappeared. Hugs hold no comfort, your presence isn't reassuring, I look at him and only see the man that hurt me and not the man I love and father of my children. You want to go to couple's therapy to try and salvage the relationship. Should you go to the therapy? I feel like I have nothing to lose at this point. But do you deserve my efforts to repair the relationship?

Today my therapist told me, "A man who needs multiple women has issues. One must be an expert then to deal with men with issues. "

I'm no expert as you are the only one man in my life. So I've a total failure to deal with you as a man of many women so you deserve better women otherwise you wouldn't be screwing around with other people's spouses and whores. I'm tired of being treated like a second class citizen.

I say this all the time about our situation that saying that you love me is not enough.

A relationship is built on respect (mutual) and a foundation of ultimate trust. It's built from friendship.

The first step to achieving happiness is to acknowledge that you deserve far better than a liar and a cheater.

And why would I waste my time "talking" to a known liar? You are going to lie making me more frustrated. You are going to keep up your stupid disrespectful asinine behaviours and the vicious cycle continues. If talking it out was the answer there would be no divorce and permanent breakups. You CANNOT reason with someone who is emotionally unhealthy and damaged to cheat!

We were 17 when you met me and we fell in love so it seems like I'm still stuck at this emotionally because we were young and naïve. I didn't know anything more but what you are doing to me is emotional abuse. You have all the power on me, my life and our kid's life. I can't even guess what will happen if I take control and set boundaries which is very much required right now in the present scenario. I need to set boundaries that you need to follow. You won't have the power. You will need to prove your devotion to me and our marital bond. I bet if I start getting stronger with my life's control and setting boundaries it will be really a new life for both of us with new avenues and aims. Now for me my happiness comes first along with my children's.

Can you get any individual therapy? That will definitely help you because you have taken advantage of me for far too long now. Now is the time you concentrate on yourself to be a better husband and father getting rid of your narcissistic behaviour if you want to stay with us as a family.

I gave you multiple chances to turn around and choose me. All of your words showed promise but your actions behind the scenes were totally different. I don't know how people can be so two faced and live with themselves and justify it as just a mistake. I finally got to the point where if I stayed with you I could pretend the love is there but I am really feeling numb about it all. Each incident out of your multiple affairs as I found out, it didn't really surprise me anymore. I know I have to get out fiercely wise with my eyes wide open though with surprise.

I don't see how I can ever feel the same towards you, even though you show off to be remorseful and want a second chance.

Once a cheater is always a cheater never leaves my mind.

For the last two months I have been hands off emotionally distant trying to protect myself. I don't hug you anymore before work. I don't kiss you before work. I simply say 'bye drive safe'. And when I do it then it seems like you're trying to get a hug from me. When I get your texts like, on my way to home from work', it doesn't seem sincere. It seems like you're almost trying to guilt me. I don't know if that even makes sense but it's how I'm feeling.

I laugh at your lies now.

I roll my eyes at the flowers you brings home, ignore the "loving" texts you send during the day.

It's all such a façade to me now.

You're nothing but a joke to me as far as a husband/lover/partner.

I'll NEVER have sex with you ever again.

Even when you touch my foot while on the couch you gross me out.

I feel like it's a brother or father as I love you but never in a "lover" way.

You're just a family member to me now not my life partner.

I've told you these exact things how I feel and to leave us alone but now you won't leave our home.

I told you not only to leave MY HOME, disrupt my lifestyle because of your disgusting, cheating behaviour. You chose to stick around.

I've to find my strength and leave you behind in every manner. I'll continue to live in my home, go on wonderful vacations and know in my head I'll never trust, respect or love you the way I did. I have zero feelings for you as far as a lover/husband and I've been perfectly honest with you about that.

I've told you that you're free to move and you refuse saying you love me and we will be back together the way we were before. I laugh and reply "I don't think the way we were before was any better as that's when you were cheating."

Your meaningless reply further evokes a sense of mocking in me when you say, "I never had any intentions of doing anything with those women. I don't know why I called them."

I won't come to you for any "married" questions or "approvals" on anything.

I will do anything I want and you know you can not to say a word as I'm morally strong enough to ever deviate.

Hopefully in time I will meet someone who will make my heart happy and then I'll obviously tell my husband adios but that time is not anywhere here.

Of course I would never even start a relationship until he would be moved out because I'd be a hypocrite.

I'm just saying if my mind starts to wonder more about dating then it will be the final straw.

As for you as my husband, you seem to be ok with hoping someday the old Serena will be back but I assure you, that will NEVER happen.

I'm too smart to fall for bologna of you never cheating again.

Read this letter again for the justified rational and logical reasons that I will never be in denial of the reality so brazenly showcased by your infidelity to me.

A deceived shattered wife,

Serena