Some Things Cannot Be Fixed, They Can Only Be Carried

Chapter 15) Messenger; Unspeakable Love And Grief Is Told Through Tears

I take Haruka's hand in mine and whisper, "You did great!" because he really did amazing.

Hiroshi rubs in his eyes when he sees Haruka's not only followed around the flashlight, but is also staring straight at me with a dorky grin on his face. "Well—" Hiroshi smiles at me, still quite confused about what's going on. "I'm going to get a scan ready and take him through some bigger tests."

I smile, my heart thumping happily when I realize that this is something good; this might show me that Haruka is, indeed, regaining conscious. Maybe just a little, but it's such a big step for us.

Hiroshi seems to think so too, telling me that he can't promise anything, but that this does look promising to him. "Maybe some recovery is possible after all."

Obviously Hiroshi cannot say that without lowering my expectations first. Telling me that even if these are actually signs of Haruka improving little by little, it'll probably be small improvement; he might stay like this, unable to move or talk, still. He might regain consciousness, but not be the same person he used to be. He gives me every disclaimer he knows, in the end explaining that he just wants to make sure I don't have too many high expectations. "He's been in a PVS for almost thirteen months, and in my fifteen years of working here, I haven't seen anyone make a full and proper recovery after such a long time." His voice is clear and stern, as if telling me to not have hope.

But I do. I have lots of hope, good faith in my best friend's strength and fighting ability. So instead of completely dropping my hope and expectations, I let them go with my head held high, telling Haruka good luck before they leave, and head out too myself.

And for the first time in such a long time, I don't have a pit in my stomach when let Haruka go to his bigger tests and scans, because something great might come out of it for once.

Hiroshi says these tests and scans can take quite a while if they want proper results, so I'm going to have to wait for quite a while. And since I'm not sure what I can do, I end up going to the hairdresser.

I get there, knowing that I don't have an appointment, and have to wait in the waiting room for almost an hour before they have some time for me. In the meantime I read most of The Fault In Our Stars, I'd been putting off reading it for months, but I started half a month ago. And today fly through the last hundred pages with tears in my eyes; who knew fiction could make me cry this much.

I have to keep myself from tearing up when I think back to what I've read, because I don't want the hairdresser to think that I'm crying about something. She might think that something happened to Haruka. She does not know about Haruka because I told her, but I'm almost certain most Iwatobi-gossips end up reaching her ears; and let's just say that in a town with an ageing population and not so much interesting things going on, one of their greatest swimmers suddenly being pushed around town in a wheelchair must be something that's being gossiped about.

I sit there, having my hair cut, only hoping that she won't mention it. She doesn't, fortunately, and also finishes giving me a proper haircut within no time. When I look at myself in the mirror I barely recognize myself, because I'd been practically growing my hair for the past year; I didn't have any time to go to the hairdresser, other than during my break which was spend on working and resting. I did wash it often so it didn't get too greasy, and I just shaved my facial hair as well, but it feels nice having all of those bad memories of the past year cut off.

Ready for a new, fresh start, I pay the hairdresser and head back to the hospital. I take a fierce detour, of course, because one and a half hour isn't at all enough for Hiroshi to take Haruka to the tests and have the results in. So I talk a longer route, through the parts of Iwatobi that I can normally not visit; I wander up the high stairs and even pass Haruka's old house on the way to the hospital.