Some Things Cannot Be Fixed, They Can Only Be Carried

Chapter 13) Not Likely; But Possible

"Not much is likely. Anything is possible."

- Lara Avery

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August 21st 2014

Not all anniversaries are fun. I have to admit that much, especially when the anniversary we're having is because of Haruka's accident exactly one year ago. It's going to be a tough day; I feel it in my chest the moment I wake up. Waking up in the morning when, exactly one year ago, I was still leading a normal life, makes me a little nauseous. I've been through so much in just one year. It feels like an eternity has passed, but it's only been twelve months. It has been a hard road, one that might never get an end, but I can proudly say I've kind of accepted it. This doesn't mean I'll stop wishing for miracles to happen, and it also doesn't change the fact that I'll be having a really hard day today. It still feels like a punch in the face after all.

I'm not the only one who feels that way, because Haruka also seems off when I reach his room this morning. He's already wide awake, while normally he would still be asleep. And he doesn't even look at me when I enter the room. He's watching the sea, until I have to turn him away from the window for his bath. On top of that, he becomes really restless when the water touches him, while normally he loves it.

"What's wrong?" I ask him. "Is it too hot? Or maybe too cold?"

I put my hand in the bucket with water but it's exactly the same temperature as usual. And it doesn't have anything to do with Haruka himself either; there are no painful rashes, no slowed down pulse or fever to be found. So, I find myself clueless about why he's getting so restless while I bathe him.

I take a deep breath and continue washing him. "I'll be careful, I promise," I tell Haruka when he winces at the feeling of the wet towel brushing past his arms. "There's no need to be scared."

Haruka's eyes dart around the room, looking at everything except for the water that he has always loved. And when I'm done washing and dressing him, Haruka's already so tired from being worked up, that he falls asleep during his breakfast.

I spend the time that he's asleep, eating my own breakfast. Honestly, it normally feels lonely to eat breakfast on my own, but today I'm actually glad. Today, being around Haruka hurts just a little more than it normally does. It's like a grim reminder of what I lost twelve months ago.

I close my eyes and sigh, trying to muster the appetite to finish my breakfast. Just when I'm about to take another bite, I get distracted by my phone, buzzing on the table right beside me.

Mom's number is displayed on my screen, bringing me both comfort but also fear.

"Hey, mom," I say after picking up the phone. I try to sound cheerful, instead of a little down. I don't want to worry her, not after I've been doing so well for the past month. "How is life at home?"

"I just wanted to ask you the same," mom replies, not answering my question.

I swallow; am I going to tell her that I do, in fact, feel a little off today, or will I lie and tell her I'm fine. "It's strange, you know why." I decide not to lie. She's my mother and she's always there for me every time I need her; she'll understand why today is a sad day for me.

"I can understand." Mom pauses shortly, and I hear talking in the background. Mom talks back at whoever's talking to her, but I can barely hear her until she turns back to the phone. "Ren and Ran are asking if you and Haruka want to come by later today?" mom tells me. "I can make lunch and we can watch a movie or go out for a walk as a family, that way you won't feel so lonely."