Some Things Cannot Be Fixed, They Can Only Be Carried

Chapter 9) Not Knowing; The Worst Kind Of Suffering

"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering."
- Paulo Coelho

∙

♥

∙

January 25th 2014

The sound of alarm clocks going off makes me a little dizzy by now. Everything Haruka needed at a certain time, needed an alarm. That's how I managed to get through the first days with him here.

I still made many mistakes, sometimes giving him too little painkillers or too much food which made Haruka a little groggy, so I had to really get used to the changes.

After that, it started to feel more normal and by the time New Year came around, I'd made taking care of Haruka a normal and practical thing. I started to remember which things to do around which time, and I was able to keep myself to a tighter schedule; taking only twenty minutes to feed Haruka his big meals, half an hour for workouts and a small fifteen minutes to bathe him.

I also started making fewer mistakes, even when not everything has been drilled into my system yet.

And now, twenty-five days later, I'm actually building my own routine around Haruka's.

My day starts at exactly five in the morning, that's when my alarm clock rings to wake me up. I didn't get much sleep last night, since I have to get up at three in the morning to feed Haruka and give him some stretches. So the first minutes of the day always feel like an eternity.

I roll out of bed, yawning and with aching muscles; I thought giving Haruka's joints and muscles three big workouts every day wouldn't be too hard on me, since I'm used to training for swimming competitions throughout the entire year, but it turns out to be quite hard.

I stretch in the middle of my own room. My shoulders make cracking sounds and my back is aching badly, but I know that'll all loosen up once I give Haruka his thirty-minute workout in a little while.

My vest that I was wearing earlier today is still hanging from the end of my bed, so I put it on again before heading to the bathroom to splash some water on my face. I'll change clothes in a little while, I need to see to Haruka's care first, but I have to be at least somewhat awake for that. The cold water in my face does the trick and after drying my face with a towel, I no longer feel like I'm dreaming.

After that, I knock on the door that leads to Haruka's room; it's handy, because I managed to have them make a door going from the hallway into the bathroom, and I can also enter Haruka's room from the bathroom. It's a great shortcut and has already proven itself useful many times.

"I'm coming in, okay?" I say, even though I know I won't get much of a response. Sometimes he replies with a groan, or sometimes even by screaming or crying out. But there's no reaction coming from inside Haruka's bedroom this time, and when I go inside, I immediately see why; he's still asleep.

I open up the curtains, so he can look at the sea when he wakes up.

At first, Haruka doesn't really seem to notice, and just like during the day, he's sleeping right through the bright sunlight and the noise of me prepping his breakfast filling up his room. But by the time I return back to his side with a see-through bag filled with formula, I catch him squinting because of the sunlight. A little while later his eyes open and sheepishly stare out at the beach.

"Ah, so you finally decided to wake up, sleepyhead?" I say with a chuckle, taking my fingers through his knotted and fluffy hair in an attempt to comb it. "You slept in for almost ten minutes, Haruka."