LITERATURE,SONGS, LOVE (COMPLETED)

It's not your fault

''Many, many reasons but you need to know the full story to understand, so don't interrupt me, please because I don't want to lose my coherence, okay?'' Harry asked and Louis nodded.

''When I was 14 , my mother died and I told you and everyone, basically, that she passed away in a car crush but she actually killed herself. Don't ask me why, because honestly, I have no idea. I just returned home one day and there she was in the bathtub and I swear, I searched for help, I called the hospital but they said it was too late. I don't know why she did exactly but I can think of many, many reasons. My step-father, Robin, is great really or at least he was, I don't talk to them anymore, just the basics and um... he just didn't have time. You know, I would watch her cancelling reservations or anniversaries in fancy restaurants or throw out a fancy dinner that she made herself and would just sit there looking around the house, wondering 'what the hell am I doing here' or 'am I happy?'. Louis, I saw those looks on her face and I still see them in my head but I didn't think any of it back then because I would think that she has us and that at the end of the day, Robin would come home hug her some times and ask her how her day was or apologize for being late. But I guess, none of this was enough for her. Don't get me wrong, I don't say it in an ungrateful way but she had us, you know? She had us. We weren't perfect, I wasn't perfect but I loved her so much, she was my mum and I just don't get it. Wasn't I enough for her? Anyways, my sister, Gemma had a rebellion against my mother. She would go out with random dudes and my mum would get mad at her for being drunk or on something sometimes, because she was only 17 at that time and my Gemma would scream at her and complain and make my mum feel like shit. She would even use Robin and how he was always late and would call my mum 'a pathetic wife, who couldn't even keep her husband at home'. Robin was always at work and I was grateful for everything he provided for me and my mum but sometimes, I can't help but wonder what would have happened if he skipped work a couple of times and spent time with my mum or attend dinners with her. And then there's me. I was not the best kid ever. I was super lazy and I was failing big time and my mum would keep just telling me to study but nooo I was too focused on reading books, of course not for school and she was disappointed in me probably. Moreover, just to be the cherry on the top, I think around this time, I realized that I wasn't just into girls and stuff and I don't know maybe she just understood herself because I hadn't told her yet because I wasn't sure about myself and was even more disappointed because she wanted a 'straight' son? But on the other hand, my mum was super supportive of everything I wanted to and encouraged me sometimes to be who I wanted to be and wear whatever I wanted. The nightmares were a big part of why I left and a small part had to do with you.'' Harry explained the whole story, leaving Louis stunned, not knowing what to say because boy, it was a lot to take in in just a few minutes.

''Oh My God, Harry. I didn't know. I am so sorry. I don't know, just remember that it is definitely not your fault and it was never. It is no ones fault. It was just life but why didn't you tell me earlier?'' Louis couldn't help but wonder.

''When everyone found out in my school they would look at me with pity in their eyes or they would blame me for everything and to be honest, they were right. What could I have possibly done to her to kill herself? I mean, I was a kid back then and I didn't know what it was serious and how she saw things and I needed my mum. I needed a mum and I lost her because I was a prick and my sister acted like a whore but I was only 14 and I couldn't understand what I was doing wrong. I still don't get it. Other kid's talked to their mums like they were trash and didn't study at all but I did even if I didn't study really hard, I did and I never talked back at her. I really needed and need a mum, Louis. I have no one anymore. She won't see me getting married, having kids, graduating and she should have. She should have waited because I am trying so hard right now to make everything work and I am finally doing good. I have friends, I have you, I am studying at one of the best universities in England and sometimes, I really wish she could be here to share everything with me, if she had just talked to me, go to therapy or even leave me. I don't care. At least, then, I would know that she was somewhere better with better people, who loved and gave her everything me, Gemma and Robin couldn't. I just know that she would have loved to meet you and the girls and the boys and see the school and that I have my own place and that I made it. And the part that hurts the most is that she wanted to end her life, it wasn't like she just got sick or got in a car accident, she chose that. Didn't she want to see me doing all those things or Gemma? Were we just a lost cause for her? Just big... big disappointments, that she couldn't stand to watch-'' Harry said and once he had opened up, he just couldn't stop and his thoughts were just floating in his mind and he finally got them out to the person, who matter for him the most and it was about god-damn time. Louis cut him off after a while and cupped Harry's face with his small hands.