Dear X,
I'm still mad at Madi for what she said. It's not even her fault, she can't help it. Still, when I found out it kinda tore me to pieces. I guess I'm just mad at myself for having high expectations and getting shot down. I just need a break from her to calm things down. I really need to stop switching from person to person because the results aren't good. I texted Parker about it. I hope he doesn't look at me differently tomorrow, I didn't do that to him. He says she needs to be more careful but it's not her fault at all she didn't mean to and I keep telling him that. It's not her fault. Right?
The reason why things were created were either out of fear of something or laziness. You name any creation, it goes in one of the two categories. Fear is one of the most dangerous things in the world. It can control you, make you do things you wouldn't dream of doing; things you swore to yourself you'd never do (again). My fear is being ignored by everyone I love, and having them all leave me, confessing that the never liked me. I had a dream about it once. I was curled up in a corner and everyone I cared about were screaming at me. My sister said she never loved me, all of it was a lie and she left because she wanted to ditch me with our parents. Alex said he'd been lying about everything. Everything. Daniel was playing along, used me to get closer to Ella who said she hated my annoying ass. Madi said I was the ugliest person she knew and she would never consider being friends with a confused lesbian. Jewel said she was only putting up with me and hated talking to me. Then...everything got quiet. Their mocking laughter stopped and I heard my best friend at the time (you can fucking guess who) whispered, 'You're worthless to me. You're nothing.' Then the phrase 'you're nothing' just kept repeating and they started hitting me and laughing again. I didn't sleep for three days after. I couldn't handle it. That was when my night terrors were more frequent, so about 7 months ago. They got better because of certain people, but now they're all gone and the nightmares are back.
How do you know when you truly love someone, X? I thought I've felt it before but things crashed and burned. I don't like falling for people easily. I don't like being so clingy and afraid of everything that I'm literally attached to someone all the time. I'm sorry for needing the constant reassurance that I'm not as annoying as I know I am and for covering my face when I laugh and crouching down then alternating to standing on my tip toes when I'm not okay. I'm sorry for always touching everyone I'm just so scared that people will disappear right in front of me and I want to remember them when they're gone. I'm sorry that I say the words 'like', 'okay, so', 'really', 'hardcore', and 'awesome' too much and feeling the constant need to correct everyone but myself and denying that I'm wrong. I don't mean to be like this, I just can't help it.
-Casely
