Dear X,
I don't want to be sad anymore. No matter how many books I read or fairy tales I think of, I know it's all lies. I'm just tired of feeling so damn sad constantly and it never ends, I can't get enough sleep to make it go away. I don't like thinking about people and how I hurt them or they, me. I hate thinking about all the mistakes I made and how if I just fucking would have left it alone, or kept my mouth shut then maybe I wouldn't feel like dying all the time. Maybe I wouldn't feel so empty yet so full that I could burst.
Today I was surrounded by my whole family and they were laughing at little children dancing while I was alone. I felt like crying but the tears wouldn't come out. Even now they're not going to fall. I'm all alone in this world.
Parker is mad at me for not replying Saturday when I was with my sister. He said I didn't try to talk to him today when I did, I promise. I tried three times and he either didn't reply or said that I wasn't his friend. That really destroyed me.
Why am I so sad all the fucking time because no matter how hard I try I always fuck everything up and my music just isn't fucking sad enough my parents don't understand I need this right now. I need to lay down and listen to music for hours while looking up at the stars and I want Madi here to love me and say she'll never leave because she's all I have right now; I told Jewel and she shrugged it off while Madison just told me to be happy when she of all people should know I HAVE FUCKING TRIED TO BE HAPPY, I HAVE A 3.9 GPA I'M LEARNING DIFFERENT LANGUAGES AND SKILLS DON'T YOU THINK I WOULD HAVE FUCKING THOUGHT OF THAT? I'M NOT STUPID I PROMISE I JUST MAKE SHIT DECISIONS AND TEND TO BACKSTAB EVERYONE I LOVE.
BUT NO, I CAN ASSURE YOU THIS IS NOT LOVE, BECAUSE I NEVER KNEW LOVE MEANT PULLING MY HAIR OUT AND WANTING TO DIE WHEN I SEE THEM. DON'T YOU DARE FUCKING SAY THIS IS BEAUTIFUL WHEN I HAVE NO WILL TO DO ANYTHING LET ALONE BREATHE. THIS. IS. NOT. WHAT. LOVE. IS.
-Casely
