Call Me Blade✔

Six: The effects of co-dependence

Panic attacks suck.

After Alice and her cronies left me in the bathroom, it took what felt like hours to calm down. I rarely have panic attacks that bad. That one in particular is one for the books, and they didn't even do anything to me. Just a bit of psychological warfare.

I am supposed to meet Dustin in two hours and I'm not doing well. I don't trust him. I can't trust him. I've been pacing my room, forcing my breathing to stay levelled as I go through every possible scenario. The nagging thought that this is just a big play for him to torment me keeps resurfacing.

I breathe out, feeling pathetic. I hate myself for even wanting to go. People are people and they hurt you.

My curiosity outweighs my fear and I force myself out the door. I told him I would meet with him. I shouldn't back out. Who knows, maybe he could prove me wrong about how awful people can be.

Or not.

I twist my hair into a loose braid as I walk downstairs. Faith is strapped onto back in her carrier. Despite it being warm out, I had still put on a long sleeved top and jeans. Showing any skin will raise questions I don't want to answer, so it's better to stay covered. No matter how uncomfortable I feel.

Faith is crabby this morning, and it's making me lean into going. I feel guilty for wanting to ditch her, but I just need a break. At least for a couple hours.

Melissa is at the kitchen counter, a cigarette hanging from her lips as she pours herself a glass of wine.

"Where are you going?" her inquiry catches me by surprise since she usually could care less of my whereabouts.

Melissa doesn't know sign language, but I still sign to her that I am heading to the library.

She rolls her eyes. "You know I don't understand that shit. God. Why don't you just talk? Sometimes I wonder if you are retarded or something."

You'd think she'd be used to my silence by now since I haven't spoken in four years. Why should I? No one would listen anyway.

Faith begins to fuss so I turn to leave, rocking her in an attempt to calm her down. I hear Melissa scoff behind me as I exit the house.

By the time I get to the library, I had psyched myself out. My trust issues give me reason after reason why this is a bad idea. I stand outside the library door, staring at the handle. My recent panic attack did a number on my willingness to work with others so I turned to leave, deciding I'll text Dustin an excuse and slap his name on the paper.

It seems there are other plans in motion because as I turn around, I gasp, startled by Dustin who's at the bottom of the steps.

He gives a lazy smile. "Trying to run away I see."

I stare at him like a deer in headlights.

He laughs. "Are you going in or will you continue your plan on bailing?"

Caught red handed, I turn back around and push the wooden doors open. The A.C immediately soothes my heated skin that is protesting because of my over cladded body.

I choose a table in the corner that is secluded, but still offers the comfort of being seen in case Dustin pulls a shady move.

"So... how much work have you done?"

Straight to business. Good.

I pull out my very old laptop, and turn the screen to him. He hums in approval as he skims the screen.

"Nice. Now that I know where we stand, I can write up the final points and conclusion. Can you send me a copy of this?"

I shake my head. I've been down this road before and I know how it ends.

He tilts his head to the side, eyeing me curiously. "I see. Well, I'll just type out the rest of the paper and we can edit together." Pulling out his laptop, he quickly gets to work.

He asks me for input here and there but mostly it's silent for the next forty-five minutes. I re-read what I have on my computer, editing it more while I wait for him.

"How does this sound?" He asks, turning the screen to me. I read through it, surprised at how well written it is. I don't know what I expected but I'm surpised regardless. His writing is very good.

I nod in approval, happy that the paper is coming together so well.

"Great!" Dustin packs up his laptop. "I'll send the rest to you and you can put them together," He stands up, shrugging his bag onto his shoulder. Although this is a work session, I could feel my mood dampen at the realization that it's over.

He catches me by surprise when he extends his overly accessorized hand to me. I notice his nails are painted black today. "Want to have a little fun now?"

I raise an eyebrow skeptically.

He smirks. "Follow me." He walks off to the fiction section.

What are you up to?

Intrigued, I followed the black haired boy. He already has a book in hand when I find him. He flips through it, stopping at a random page.

He grins when he sees me, a mischievous glint in his eye. Clearing his throat dramatically, he reads the sappy and overly romantic words off the page. I eye him, amused by his idea of fun.

He huffs, grabbing another book and flipping to a random page. He ups his game, reading in an unrecognizable accent.

I shake my head, bringing my lip between my teeth to stop from smiling. Dustin repeats his actions a few more times before he gets to the last book. His eyes brighten as the words begin rolling off his tongue in a horrible French accent. The passage is meant to be sexual but Dustin's off-brand accent causes my resolve to crumble. I clap my hand over my mouth, shaking in silent laughter at the ridiculousness of the situation.

Dustin's smug look is not overlooked as he puts the book away. "I knew I could get a laugh outta you somehow."

I roll my eyes, still amused by the way the writer had used "member" in a sex scene. This is not how I pictured my morning going, but I'm pleasantly surprised.

Dustin gives a goofy smile as he bids me goodbye. I smile back, content with the turn of events.

I guess this wasn't so bad after all.

****
My good mood lasts all the way until the early evening but quickly dissipates when I hear the loud slam of a door.

I am in my room, working in the paper while Faith is playing with her favorite stuffed toy.

"Fuck!" The loud, frustrated scream of Melissa makes me sigh. I gather Faith into my arms and hold her close. There is a loud clatter of breaking glass as Melissa continues to shout downstairs, her words unintelligible.

I don't know what she's angry about, but I'm guessing it's Todd. Addiction is so destructive. Watching their rollercoaster of a relationship over the years has given me such dreadful perspective. So much much fighting. So much hate but so much dependence.

I plant a kiss on Faith's head as she starts fussing. She smiles at me and I give her small pecks all over her face which make her giggle. The loud noises tend to upset you and for good reason.

I continue to ditract her, sitting her down to play with her. When she starts to yawn, I get her ready for bed, and  rock her gently until her big brown eyes close.

I'm tired, but I won't be able to fall asleep. I'm too anxious to relax so instead, I sit on my bed and stare at the ceiling, thinking about somewhere better than here.

****

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