The Consultant - NaNoWriMo2021

Chapter 13

The formulating doesn't last long, instead, once I am outside, I am assailed by a bombardment of emotions. Rage, betrayal, humiliation and loss; all cascading into me at once, making no sense but creating the perfect storm.

I ditch the idea of returning and make my way back to my room; the tears running down my cheeks masked by the wind and the rain. Fortunately, there are few people around and the weather keeps their heads down so I make it back without having to speak to anyone, I rip of the stupid costume; I can't believe I fell for this man. I can't believe I was so stupid. How is it that I feel like such a failure when it is him who screwed me over?

I'm done with all of this. Maybe I was never going to be a spy. Maybe I will just never be happy, or have a career, or a partner who loves me, and whom I can love unconditionally. It just seems that every time I get closer, something happens and it all blows up. Sometimes I think that Alex got the better deal; play the field, have your fun, then die and never have to worry about real life or responsibility or actual love. I made myself vulnerable and I got hurt, but it feels like so much more than that.

I pull out my laptop and draft a message to send to Duncan. He prefers calls but I don't have the strength to speak with anyone right now. I draft what is effectively the termination of my contract, knowing that this is the end of my dream to join SIS. I am about to press send, when a still small voice in my head says 'wait'. So I do. I minimise the email and get a bottle of wine from the shelf. I am usually very careful with alcohol and I know I've taken sedatives but I don't care. I need to get out of my headspace because what's going on in here is horrible and it just makes me feel sad and stupid. I plug in my external drive and select a movie, making sure it's one that has several sequels that will drown out the voices in my head for the rest of the day. There's plenty of wine and Felix can go fuck himself. My phone keeps vibrating and I know it's him, texting me, asking me where I am. I don't want him to do something stupid like call the emergency services if he thinks I have tried to kill myself so I scan through them and then hit reply. I need alone time. Please give me that. I read it again, it looks pathetic so I delete it and try again. Fuck off Felix, Its over. That would be nice to send, but it would definitely limit my options and I guess I shouldn't decide about those until I am clear headed and not sobbing into my popcorn. In the end, I go with Felix, I'll call later. Chill. Not remotely reflecting how I feel but should be enough to stop him harassing me for now. I pour more wine and click play.

I wake up just as the sun finally passes the horizon and my room is dark. My battery has died and there is popcorn everywhere. The wine bottle is empty but oh, my mistake, there is another one just here and that is still half fun. I haven't drunk this much since my undergrad days.

My phone is flashing which means there is a message; probably Felix whining about being ignored or trying to contain the situation before I run naked to the Provost's study and confess everything. My head hurts, in fact as I lean forward and stand up, everything hurts and the room spins slightly. Sedatives and alcohol really don't mix too well. I get a glass of water and then realise how gross my mouth feels so I brush my teeth.

I flick on the kettle and then flick it off again. I don't want to be sensible, I don't want to be sitting here licking my wounds and feeling hurt. I want to feel alive, but most of all I want to forget. I pick up my phone. Ignoring the plaintive texts from Felix I tap out a message to a different number and then press send. Seconds later I get a reply. A club? I text back. Why not? Live a little. Again a text. 2 Hrs-CU outside. Excellent. Time to shower and dress. This is going to be awesome.

Daniel is waiting outside the club, smoking a cigarette and actually looking pretty cool. Leather jacket, jeans and tight white t shirt; not my usual fare but pretty decent for a man who rarely leaves his parent's house, but I don't want to think about them this evening. In fact, I don't want to think about anything, I want to forget.

'You look great.'

'Thanks,' I reply. 'Sorry I'm late.' It's not something I wear too often. I'm wearing a miniscule dress that I bought in a moment of madness and in fact have never yet worn. Its backless, frontless, topless and uber short – basically a collection of straps. But I have to admit, I do look pretty good, even though it took me three hours and another bottle of wine to make it happen.

We head inside and the music is already pounding; giving me a headache and in my heart, I just want to go home, but I power through, slipping off my long coat and following Daniel through the heaving crowd of dancers to the bar. He yells something but I don't catch what he says so I just nod and he leans over to the tattooed and heavily muscled barman who starts fixing drinks. I've no idea what Daniel has ordered but when he hands it to me, it's red and extremely refreshing. The beat of the music is pounding and I can feel my whole body vibrating to it. The flashing lights are everywhere with just one fixed point, high in the centre of the dance floor where the DJ box is. I can see him mixing his tracks, wearing sunglasses despite the almost total darkness of the club. I down my drink, and to my surprise, Daniel smiles and hands me another. 'Are you trying to get me drunk?' I shout at his face, but he shakes his head, and then I discern the tase of what I'm drinking; it's cranberry juice, that's why its so refreshing. I smile a thankyou and take a long gulp. He touches his glass to mine and we watch the dancing for a while, keeping our spot at the bar for a while longer.

After a few minutes, I feel much better; clearer head and less pounding in my temples but I don't want to sober up completely. 'Let's get a cocktail.' I shout and Daniel frowns. 'It's fine, come on loosen up.' I lean over the bar and the barman is there instantly. I shout what I want and he turns away, mixing them rapidly, though the price nearly gives me a heart attack. This is no student bar that's for sure. Fuck it; it's been a long week and I just want to have fun. I down it, and then grab Daniel's arm. Dancing with Daniel is almost an out of body experience; I am aware of the haphephobia though the sedatives and booze definitely take the edge off, but I am observing it almost as a third party, at a distance, and it doesn't bother me anything like as much as normal. We dance for almost an hour straight until Daniel makes noises about taking a break, and we head back to the bar. I order two more drinks and Daniel mimes that he's heading to the bathroom. I nod and sip my drink, perched on a tiny stool and surveying the animalistic scene. Bodies writhing, lights flashing, flesh everywhere; it's like a scene from Dante but I push the image from my mind. Dante is something that Felix would have quoted, though he would have done it in the original Italian of course, and I don't want to think about him. I finish my drink but Daniel is still absent so I make a start on his, calling the barman over to order two more. He smirks; evidently used to students getting wasted and scurries off to pour them.

I sense, rather than feel the presence of someone perching on the stool next to me, and as the barman returns, the stranger who has taken the seat holds out a fifty pound note. 'Keep it,' he mutters, and despite the music and noise that is decimating my eardrums, the barman somehow hears him and he takes the note without a word, pushing the drinks towards me. I turn to thank him and I see now why the barman didn't argue. This guy oozes power.

'Sebastian.'

'Nice to meet you.' I'm flirting but I've no idea why. I take a sip of my drink; I know the booze is going to my head and combined with the sedatives and the dehydration from the dancing, I am worryingly close to passing out. Sebastian is handsome, and from his accent, French. He is, I suppose, my type; older, dark hair, well built but with muscle unlike Felix who is very much the academic. I know this is a bad idea; I just wanted to get out, let my hair down, have some fun and forget. Now I have Daniel somewhere in the club, presumably coming back fairly soon, and Sebastian buying me drinks, flirting but in that almost silent way that men do. Chat up lines are clearly beneath him, and the fact that he makes so little overt effort, yet is so captivating; such a presence, makes me want to throw myself at him. This is proving to be an interesting night indeed, and I pick up my glass to cheers him. He reciprocates and smiles. It's like the smile of a cobra.