Falling

51

Vinny Taylor

I never thought I would see Spencer and Marina at my house again, but there they stood in front of me as I opened the front door. I had asked Spencer to bring Marina with him before we ended our phone conversation. Spencer's eyes still looked red from crying during our conversation. I wasn't sure how much he had told Marina before arriving, but she held a myriad of emotions in her expression.

"Well," I said, pausing for a moment as I looked at them. "Come in."

They followed me into the house and the two of them sat on the loveseat while I sat down on the arm of the couch.

"So, I, uh, assume you both saw the video going around," I said, looking down at the floor.

"Yeah, we did," Marina replied in a soft tone.

"Vinny, I feel like a fucking idiot," Spencer blurted, causing me to look up at him. His eyes were wide and glossy, his hair messed up at the top like he had been pulling at the strands. He looked distressed and tired.

"Spence..."

I didn't know what to say to him. He was my best friend at one point, and part of me wanted to have him back as that. That was why I wanted them to come here in the first place. But I couldn't forget how much pain I was in that night they left me outside. It had been so long ago, but maybe part of healing from that and moving on was fixing my relationship with them.

I didn't exactly know how to tell him that Seth had threatened me if he had seen me talking with anyone, that I couldn't talk to him even if I wanted to after what had happened.

"I was too mad to realize you needed me," Spencer continued. "Too mad to think clearly and see that something was wrong. I'm such an idiot for that."

"We both are," Marina said with sad eyes. "And the fact that we couldn't figure out why you wouldn't talk to us makes us even bigger idiots."

I wanted to hide myself from them. I was feeling vulnerable and I didn't want them to see it. But this was the point of them being here, to open up to them, to fix this, to let myself start to heal.

"I just... I don't want to feel alone," I muttered, looking away from them. "Like I felt that night, like I felt all summer."

Up until Carson came into my life. Then I didn't feel so alone anymore, and I still didn't. I knew that even though we had broken up, I still had him. I didn't lose him in every way. And I had Logan, and my parents, even Dana. But I wanted Spencer and Marina too.

Spencer stood up from the couch and stood in front of me, hesitating for a moment before placing his hand on my shoulder. I looked up at his frowning face.

"I don't want you to feel like that either because it's not true," Spencer said in a low voice. "You're not alone and I'm sorry I wasn't better to you."

It was only a start, but his words made me feel better. I was tired of being angry and sad all the time, tired of resenting him and Marina, but I was still uncomfortable. It was like it had been a life time since I had let them in, since I had been so open and vulnerable with them. Carson was the only one I could do this with now, outside of therapy. Part of me still worried Spencer and Marina would judge me or blame me for what had happened.

I wanted to see Carson and I didn't know if I should want to see him. Or if he even wanted to see me.

"Are you okay?" Marina asked after a few moments of silence. "Did Seth injure you?"

I absentmindedly touched my neck. "I'm fine."

There was another long silence between us then.

"Can we just..." I trailed, then started over. "I asked you guys to come here because I wanted my friends I guess. We don't have to keep talking about depressing shit. Can we just... hang out?"