Lust - Victoria

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I watched her get dressed from my spot on the desk, too confused to put on my clothes as well. The white underwear clung to her body the way my hands had just minutes ago. Her hair fell as luscious as always down her back. She moved her hips in a way I could only interpret as seductive, and yet she behaved the complete opposite.

Just when I thought I had been dreaming again, she turned back to me, closing her jacket.

"Just because we turn each other on, doesn't mean we tolerate each other."

With that she turned on her heel and stalked out of the room. I stared at the wood of the door for some more minutes before I finally pulled myself together and got up, collecting my clothes. Putting them on felt terrible, it was like wiping away the last bits of Victoria that I had savoured. Once I was completely dressed, there was nothing left except a small bruise on my belly, not visible but I still felt it.

I didn't get it. If it was just about sex for her, then why would she be the one to pleasure me like that? I couldn't shake the feeling of having been used and yet I knew I would volunteer every time she needed me. Because deep down I needed her too. I wanted to feel her again, have her close to me.

Once I put on my coat, I approached the small sink in the corner of the room to look at myself in the even smaller mirror above. My lipstick was all over the place, mixed with Victoria's bright pigmented lipgloss. My hair ruffled, my cheeks flushed pink.

I didn't put too much effort into fixing my short hair and just pulled it back into a low ponytail. Putting on the water, I briefly washed my face, effectively removing the remains of any makeup I had on my face. Then I looked at myself again. Terrifying. I couldn't recognise the girl staring back at me. If not tired, I looked exhausted. Sick. Burnt out.

Then my hand stroked a piece of metal off the sink, dropping it to the floor. I bent down to pick it up but hesitated before touching it. It was one of Victoria's rings she had taken off before.

Even though nobody could have possibly seen me, I looked around anxiously and then let it slip into the pocket of my coat.

Then I collected the files off the floor and stormed outside the building. It took me a lot not to turn back and look for her at the window. I knew she wouldn't be there.

If I was feeling like floating and falling before, it was now the dull brunt against a stone cliff. The fragments of images kept flashing in front of my eyes. I had to sit down.

"Lou!", I heard Dola's agitated voice edging closer in a rapid speed. She kneeled down next to me and wrapped her arm around my shoulder. I felt like this should be the moment I'd start crying, but I couldn't. I was too ecstatic about what had happened with Victoria, I suddenly didn't mind being used. I could use her too after all, no strings attached. That's what I told myself, despite the knowledge it weren't just strings that had already been tied to this girl, it were bars locking my heart to hers.

"What's going on?", she repeated for the third time until I finally looked up at her.

"Just a really tough day at work", I lied, not ready to share something as intimate as this. I wanted to keep it to myself, something that belonged to just me. Me and Victoria.

"I'm sorry to hear that babe", Dola reassured me by stroking my shoulder. "We'll get you some cupcakes on the way home and have a Harry Potter marathon, how does that sound?" I could make out her attempt of a smile but I didn't return the effort. A simple nod was enough anyway.

She lifted me off the ground by my arm and helped me towards her car. I had expected her to be mad for not meeting up in the mornings but she didn't mention it once. She simply kept talking about boys the whole ride. That's probably why we got along so well: I preferred to listen, she preferred to talk. It had always been that way.

"What do you think?", she suddenly asked. Well, maybe I didn't listen all the time.

"Oh yes absolutely", I gave it a 50:50 chance. She raised an eyebrow in question. It was the wrong 50%. She didn't say anything though and just continued down the road to my house. She stopped the car perfectly, no bump at all. That had never happened before.

The next minutes were a whirl of preparing snacks, collecting pillows and blankets, looking for the movies. Once we stared at the screen together, I finally had the opportunity to process everything in peace. At least so I thought.

We were just half an hour into the first film, when my work phone beeped. All my client's numbers were on there, except Måneskin's. We had just exchanged emails. I asked Dola to just keep the movie going and picked up the phone next to me.

"Where are you?" The message from an unknown number. I usually save each of my contacts. With furrowed eyebrows I replied.

"Who is this?" The number typed something. I just stared at the screen but it kept typing. A minute later I put my phone back. Why would it take so long to answer that question? After more than four minutes it beeped again. When I picked it up I almost threw the phone across the room. Instead I turned it off and tightened my grip around the device.

"Victoria."