Apathy

33| Why me?

*TW: self-destructive thoughts*

A S T R A E A

I am not okay.

And I am supposed to be asleep.

After leaving the court we went straight back home. My mom called Nicolas and told him about what happened so he immediately came over. He is currently laying down asleep on the King-sized bed beside me while I pretend to be sleeping.

But I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes I don't see the empty black space I am supposed to see. Instead, all I can watch is a movie about my awful childhood memories. Audrey's words were always present in my head. They wouldn't go away. I can't push them away.

I slowly and discreetly got up from my bed careful not to wake up Nico. I put on my silk white robe and made my way to the huge balcony I have in my room. I sat on the floor leaning my back on the cold wall while I admired the breathtaking view I have from here. The chilly wind blew my smooth, brown hair, and the fresh scent of the threes and flowers my mother planted around the estate took over all of my senses.

It was peaceful and calm. No noise, no people hovering over me, no problems. Just me and my self-destroying thoughts.

I am exhausted.

Why me? Why did I have to be the one who went through all of this? Why there isn't anything good in my fucking life. Why my existence is filled with so much pain and sorrow.

I am so fucking exhausted.

I am tired of not being enough. I am tired of always trying to be someone I am not. I am tired of always being pressured. I am tired of pretending. I am tired of breathing. I am tired of surviving.

I want to be happy. Like really and truly happy. Not just happy for a few seconds, or minutes, or hours. I want to be permanently happy. Always happy.

But do I deserve this? Do I deserve to be happy? Do I deserve to be loved?

Maybe Audrey was right. Why would they ever love me?

I am ugly. My body is covered with scars.

I am broken. I have been abused. Raped. Manipulated.

I am fragile. I am pathetic.

My parents deserve a better daughter. One that hasn't been used and destroyed. One that is capable of showing her love and affection. One that they can be proud of. One that is smart and strong.

My brothers deserve a better sister. One that could defend them. One that can cuddle with them or play with them without flinching. One doesn't break down unexpectedly. One that is still innocent and pure.

My boyfriend deserves a better girlfriend. One that can love him unconditionally. One that can fulfill his sexual needs. One that is beautiful. One that hasn't been used and raped by other men. One that he can show off, love, and cherish. One he can build a family with.

I am neither of those things.

I don't deserve them. I am not enough.

Some people deserve to live more them I do. I am just a pathetic, pitiful waste of air.

Santi would have been so ashamed of the woman I have become.

Got tears were trailing down my face. I couldn't stop them. I didn't want to either.

My heart was aching. It was like someone was squeezing it waiting for it to expose. I don't want to be in pain anymore.

I want this to stop.