Kill me softly - Minsung

Chapter 27 Part 1

But those words burnt into Jisungs mind. Somehow, his feelings stayed whereas the person they were directed to, left and disappeared. But apparently, that's just how life goes. And especially, how first loves go.

This was all a load of bullshit. Of course, Lee Know had told him. At least, he didn't disappear out of the blue. But if your kind-of-almost-boyfriend tells you that he has to disappear for a while (without giving you an actual reason), then stays away for more than 9 months without giving any hints about his whereabouts one's patience can start running thin. And if you reckoned with a maximum of maybe two months not seeing each other, but still texting and talking, you might start blaming people who are totally blameless to it. You might even start blaming yourself. Something, Jisung did a lot. Maybe it was his fault. Maybe he went too fast. Maybe too slow. Maybe he read the signs wrong, or he didn't give the right signals. The list goes on and on.

He just wished they could have talked about it. He wanted to know, what caused Lee Know to run off. He had nothing. He needed something to put his finger on. The smallest reason would do, just something he could hold on to. To put a reason behind it. To stop him from wondering. Anything would do.

But he got nothing. Not a single call, not a single text, not a single thought wasted on him. If it weren't for the note that Lee Know had left that day and their texts on Jisung's phone, the whole thing might as well never even happened.

But it did happen. The whole thing was real. And the hurt was as well. In the end, Jisung just accepted that he got played with. Lee Know probably never had real feelings for him. He just used Jisung, and a moment of sheer vulnerability to get out of it again.

Looking back, it was crystal clear and Jisung was so stupid for not picking it up. Who says 'I have to leave after this just for a while' without saying why or where they are headed off to? And who - in their right mind - is just okay with it? It's not like Lee Know was some sort of criminal, on the run of the government or something like that. That was stuff for the movies. But it certainly didn't happen in real life. Jisung got ghosted and that was the whole truth.

Probably. He'd never know. He sighed again. Here he was, wasting more time on the dark-haired guy than he was even worth. Jisung needed to get out of here.

He grabbed his essentials, headphones, mask, keys, and a beanie and he was out of the door.

The air was fresh and crisp. It had cooled down a lot but the sun still washed over the city. Tickled its residents' faces, as they turned them to it when it decided to peek behind the clouds.

Jisung didn't run. There was no running from his feeling anymore. He took a deep breath and just accepted them. There was no use in ignoring them or getting upset about it. He felt the way he did. The best way to deal with it was to acknowledge his state and move past it. Oh, Doctor Il-Sung would be so proud of him. As he strolled through his city, he made a mental note of telling him about his progress in their next session.

He didn't know for how long he had wandered through the city but he ended up on the shore of Hangang, the river running through Seoul. A small paper cup full of coffee accompanied him. As he sat down on the stairs that led into the water, a small sigh escaped his mouth. He wasn't sure whether it was relief or worry. Usually, those banks were filled with people but as the weather had cooled down, the cities' people were rather drawn into the warm halls of the coffees, restaurants, and bars. Jisung didn't mind though, the golden lights behind him on the walls still washed the whole scenery in a beautiful warm light. The water steadily ran south, reflected the golden specks, dragged them along for a while before swallowing them in the dark waves.

Jisung took one last deep breath and imagined that, with his exhale, he got rid of all the memories and feelings attached to Lee Know and let the water drag them away. Wash Jisung clean of the other guy.