Dark Lust

Ciaran

My heart in my chest is on its way to death. I feel it tearing in two and burning the remains. Jolie doesn't understand how much she means to me. If she did, she wouldn't be leaving, wanting to start over. She wants to start over, I should be in the picture. I can't help but be angry. At myself, her, everyone on the fucking planet! I want to scream. Let out my frustration. I don't.

I simply walk up to Chloe, who has just come out of the bathroom from getting the food out of her hair and say, "Congratulations, you fucking win."

I trek back to my mom's office and sit in one of the chairs with my head hanging low in my hands. If she thinks I'm moving from this seat before school is over, she's fucking wrong. I'm going to sit here and wonder why every single person in my life either fucks me over or fucks me up. If I were smart, I would pick them off one by one out of my life. I'm far from smart. I'm already in a shit situation.

"Do you want to talk?"

I look at my mom's soft face. She has always shown me love. No matter what, she was the parent that was there after my dad beating the shit out of me. She was always there to fix the wounds and wipe away the tears from each scrape and bruise that came into my body's possession. What's one more?

"She's right." I say.

I heard Jolie tell my mom off. Chloe deserves to be punished for what she did. If my mom chose not to take action, I'll do it myself.

"Chloe will have consequences for her actions."

"I don't want her picking up trash after lunch." I demand. "I want her to know what it feels like. To feel that everything you have is being taken away from you."

"Ciaran, the only action I can take for her is to suspend her physically from school. I can't take away anything personally."

"Then do that. Take her out of school for a couple weeks. Take away all her school activities. She's nothing without her cheer captain power."

"Promise me you won't do anything yourself." I don't respond. "Ciaran,"

"I'm not saying anything. She's been a royal cunt for far too long and has gotten away with it."

"And you were a nice guy?"

"I've changed myself. I even talk to the kindergarten girl and her best friend, who I'm sure falls on the other side of the tracks. I only want one person in my life now and this fucking place destroyed her."

"She will be back."

"Then what? Nothing is going back to normal. I know you sit in here on your mighty throne. Everyone bows down to you when you walk through these walls. You're the fucking principle, not a student. You don't see half the shit we see. You don't feel what it's like for peers to try and ruin what reputation we have so they can declare power over you. I've literally had to fight my way to the top and far enough that people didn't try to take me down. Then this fucking girl walks in..."

"And?"

"And she somehow managed to climb up the tower and pull me down. You know what the most fucked up part about it is? I like it. I like that she has this control over me. If she told me to jump off a cliff to my death, I would do it without blinking. Hell, I would be in the air before she finished the sentence. Do you know why? Because I know she would be in the air falling to her death a second after me. I trust that girl with everything I have. She's been here for three months and has been there for me more than these other assholes and they have been in my life since kindergarten! Fucked up, huh?"

No matter what, if my mom saw Jace or I cry, she would start to cry. I'm trying to hold it all in, I really am. A couple of tears break through and fall down my cheek. The same goes for my mom, only she has a few more slip away.

"While Jolie is gone, take the time to figure out who you are and who you want to be. Look at all your friends and decide if you want to find a way to make the relationship with them stronger or let them go. This is the time to focus on yourself."

"Shall I start with dad, then?"

"Ciaran," My mother warns.

"All he wants is for me to be his little bitch. I'm not doing it. I'll go live with Jace if I have too."

"Well, I am not getting into this discussion with you. That is between you and him. Why don't you start with Joel?"

"Should I beat the shit out of him for being a pervert or get his ass thrown in jail for all the sexual assault?"

My mom picks up the phone on her desk, "Hello, Ray, how are you? Good, good. Listen, I need Joel Magio to report to my office if he can." She starts to laugh. "Oh, my! You must have your hands full! Okay, thank you, Ray."

Her smile fades quickly when she sits the phone back down and folds her hands together.

"He will be here shortly?"

"We have to do this now?"

"It's either now or never."

"I would have been fine with never."

Joel is at the office five minutes later. My mom steps out to give us time alone. This is fucking dumb. I'm not in a good state to try and reconcile what's left of our friendship.

"You good, bro?" Of course he had to open his big fucking mouth.

"Not at all. I would really like to burn down the school."

"I'll help you."

"Don't act like we are good with each other." I stand up to face him.

"We are in a tough spot, I get that. But I will always be right beside you no matter what."

That's the fucked up part about Joel. He's loyal as shit. He may do the dumbest shit, but he would have my back for anything I asked. I could burn his dad alive and ask Joel to help me hide the body and he would do it.

"After you and Jolie left us in the cafeteria, I broke into Chloe's locker and tore up everything she owns. That Gucci backpack of hers? It's currently laying all over the floor in shreds." I give him a small laugh, picturing Chloe's face soaking up her tears with the remains. "I know we won't be as close as we were. I get that. You're my best friend, dude. I can't just let you go. You know too fucking much about me."

"Here's the deal. As long as you stay out of Jolie's way, we can stay civil."

"I can deal with that."

I slump back in the chair and run my fingers through my hair.

"Fuck. I need a nap."

"Or a big, fat blunt." Joel takes the seat next to me. "So what's with this girl? Why her? You can have any girl and you chose the new girl."
"You've seen her and what she does. I'm pulled to her like a magnet. She's like the girl version of me."

"You always have been full of yourself. No wonder you like the girl version of you."

"Loving yourself is exhausting."

I stand back up as my mom walks back into her office. Her eyes are puffy and traces of her makeup surround her eyes. She straightens her posture and says, "Chloe will be gone for three weeks starting tomorrow."

I take my mom by surprise and hug her. With her high heels, her forehead reaches my ear.

"I'm going home." I say to her.

"I'll tell your father you are sick with a bug."

Like my father will give a shit. He's going to take the sick situation to his advantage. He will want me to go to the storage unit tonight whether I'm vomiting or not. I'm not going home. I don't know where I'm going to go, but it won't be to see my father's smug face.