home.

Chapter 36

I jerked awake after having the usual nightmares. I instantly got up to go to the washroom. When I opened the door I found Ryan sitting in the corner, barely awake.

I was tempted to hug him but I closed my door with a little force so he would wake up. He woke up confused. "Faith?" he said to stop me but I didn't answer and rushed to washroom.

I freshen up and get back to my room. Ryan was no more on the floor for which I was peaceful because he was making hard for me to ignore him.

I didn't want to be manipulated by his face or his tears. I changed into a white sleeveless shirt with a light shrug on. I went downstairs with a heavy heart because I had to act like I was okay.

Piper was being unusually helpful to me which was annoying me. "look, Piper. If you're doing all this-" I waved my hand on all the breakfast she made only for me, "-for me out of sympathy because I got cheated on then don't, please. I don't need sympathy from anyone. I am not angry on him, I'm fine. Happy, actually."

I lied easily, looking straight in her eyes. She was embarrassed. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to upset you." She said in a small voice. I tried to hold back a humourless laugh at the thought of her upsetting me.

No one can upset me anymore.

There's no capacity in me now.

I shrugged at her apology and left for the classes. I tried really hard to concentrate, every brain cell working together to distract from the shitty life I was living. And that's when headache hit me.

I wore my specs to ease the pain, it didn't help. I knew it wasn't just pain, it was torture. Mental torture in the form of pain, the facade I had to keep up with so no one will know how much shattered I am.

Physical torture because my body was aching to be in his arms. Just be entangled with him. But I couldn't allow myself. For the first time in my whole life, I was wanting to go back to Utah.

Where there will be no Ryan. Just me, Monty, Alex, Grace and Ben cherishing our friendship. I'll forget all the problems of our families temporarily. After the longest hours for which I was happy, I left the classroom and went straight to the dorm.

I saw Ryan waiting for me in my room. Before I could react, he stood up and held me from the shoulders, in all these frustrating situations still gentle yet harsh.

"just hear me out, for once. Faith, please." He begged me. Hearing my name in his voice, and his hands pulling me towards him every second was making me weak. My knees weren't able to hold my weight. I wanted to just fall in his arms.

Before I knew, my stamina failed and I rested my head on his chest and he held me securely like the old times.

Old times?

And I came back to my senses. I pushed him away and freed my hands. The moment he knew I was struggling from his grip, he let go. "Faith, please." He sobbed. I was desperate for him to leave from my sight or else I'll trust him again.

I pushed him once more, away from me. "PLEASE SHUT UP! I SAW YOU LAYING THERE WITH HER!! YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN THIS! I told you...all my fears and insecurities...and you remembered them all...just so that you can burn me later...just so that...you can play with my feelings later...I showed you all my darkness. I always knew in my heart that one day you'll get bored of me...I was prepared for that. You cheating on me was never in our script. Then why?" I half shouted, half sobbed.

He took one step closer and I took one backwards. My head was hung low. "just look at me, once." He said desperately. "I don't want to look at your stupid smile and your annoying hair and your deceiving eyes. I don't want to. I can't" I said and I left the dorm.

Even though his smile could light up a dark room and his hair was the softest mess I've ever seen and his eyes were the truthful most hypnotic eyes I knew.

I still love him, after everything. I will always love him.

I knew.

I ran to the small park in the back of the campus where no one ever goes. I spent my evening there just laying on the grass and I fell asleep. I heard some muffled laughter. Laughter which made me crawl in my skin.

Laughter which usually occurs after torturing the weak. I saw everyone abnormally doing what they usually do. I didn't recognize any one. They had just weird faces.

Faces which didn't allow me to register their whole face, I could just focus on one feature at a time. I was shaking with fear and I woke up in a sudden movement which gave me a little pain in my neck.

I thanked the God because it was a nightmare. My life was a nightmare too, but I was used to. I laid back and gazed at the clear sky with a full moon. Looking at moon calmed me a little.

My only companion, from my birth till my death it will always be there watching over me. It just always gives me hope, and content.

I knew I was so in love with Ryan, so much that I was still falling, even though he cheated on me.

He made me happy without even trying like it's in his nature. I was certain that these depth of despair will pass too.

But the question was until when?