Pure Tears. Pure Love. Pure Pain.

Chapter Thirty Three

"Worst Christmas ever" you said, sitting down next to Sam on the sofa. Steve, Sam, Nat and Tony all looked at you, waiting for an explanation. "I don't wanna talk about it,"

Nat stood up. "I'll get Wanda and the wine, meet you on the balcony in 5?"

"No I really don't want to talk about it," you said, resting your head on Sam's shoulder. "I'm so stupid," Nat sat back down, curling up into Steve. Everyone tried to look busy, and not look at you. "I'm gonna go for a walk,"

You stood up but Sam stopped you "It's cold and dark out," he said, seemingly more concerned.

"I'll be fine," you responded, "I'm pissed anyway, so I could do with kicking the shit out of someone," you made your way into the elevator but Sam caught up with you, after being forced to by Nat.

He slipped into the elevator before you could stop him. "Are you okay?" he asked you, as you very clearly were not. Your eyes were red, your hair messy as you had been frantically running your hands through it. You couldn't focus on anything, and you felt sick. "Y/N?"

"No I'm not okay," Sam stopped the elevator from moving, "Bucky wrote me this note, this beautiful beautiful note. He said he was sorry and wanted me back and that he loved me. So I thought, hell I love him too. Went over to his room, wanting to talk because I wanted him. Guess what? He has another girl up there, he was with another girl," you fell back into the wall, putting your head in your hands. "I love him Sam, and I was so fucking stupid I fell for a note. What is wrong with me?"

Sam hugged you, letting you cry and just to be held. Feel comfort. Because he knew that you needed that. You spent so long trying to hold yourself together while slowly losing Bucky, and he knew that what you had just found out was going to break you. And it was, you felt like screaming and crying and you were in unbearable pain.

Once you had stopped crying, you wiped the tears from under your eyes. "I really wanna go for a walk though," you set the elevator moving, "But I would like the company?"

———

When you arrived back at the tower, it was December 2nd. It had been a three hour walk, and despite most of the time you walking in silence, talking to Sam was so easy. "Thank you for this," you said, as Sam closed the door to the tower and locked it behind him. "It's nice to talk to someone who isn't in a stupid happy relationship,"

"Anytime," he said, "actually I go back to see my sister and my nephews in a couple days, you're welcome to drive down at any point if you feel like being with Bucky alone in the tower is too much,"

It was definitely going to be too much. It was Bucky after all. You were in love with him, and he lied and said he was in love with you too. Now he wasn't and you hated him. Before you just strongly disliked him. Now you hated him so much you hated yourself for loving him. Was that even possible? Loving someone and hating someone at the same time?

"It's okay thank you for the offer," you responded as the elevator stopped moving. "Have a good Christmas, save me some Christmas cake?"

He smiled, "of course,"

When you got to your floor, you went straight to bed. You didn't even have time to change into your Christmas pyjamas. You just pulled on your grey joggers and your favourite hoodie before getting into bed.

You were tired and done with today.

But no, just as you were about to fall asleep someone started to knock on your door. You thought you would get them to go away by burying your head in your pillow and not responding. But the knocking was persistent.

"Wanda I swear to god if you need more Christmas decorating," you shouted as you wrapped a blanket around you and walked over to the door.

You rubbed your eyes as you opened it. And almost had to double take, why the fuck was Bucky standing at your door. In his stupid grey sweatpants and matching tight fitting shirt that made him look so good you wanted to cry. "Nope, no no, no nope," you went to close the door but he grabbed it first. "No Bucky I don't wanna talk to you, so please get your hand of my door and go back to your room,"

"I want to apologise,"

"I don't want your fucking apology James," you began shouting, "I don't want a liar for a boyfriend, and I don't want someone who thinks it's okay to have sex with another girl while writing me an apology note and saying you love me, when clearly you don't. So no James, I do not accept your apology. I never will. Just don't talk to me okay? We'll go back to whatever it was before we went on that stupid walk,"

Before you closed the door Bucky asked you one question which made you stop. "But you love me too though, right?"

"I don't want to love you James," you whispered, blinking back tears you knew would make this situation look worse. "You said you would wait for me forever and you had you acted like you fucking cared when all it was was piss poor lies. I can't trust you Bucky. I can't believe I made this mistake,"

"Don't close the door," he said quietly, "and please don't say this was a mistake, this wasn't a mistake,"

You sighed, wiping away a tear that was beginning to leave your eye. "What happened James? What made you decide that you didn't want me anymore? What made you throw me away? I would've left the entire world behind for you, but you wouldn't have done the same for me," closing the door gently, you watched as he ran his hands through his hair. A little thing he did when he was stressed or worried, and you knew that he likes to be comforted during those times. "I hope you regret throwing this away. This is not how we are supposed to end,"

Without thinking you closed the door, despite not wanting to. You wanted to think that Bucky had something to say back. That he felt terrible for what he had done. But all he said was some cocky remark, and stood there as you told him how you felt. He let you go without a fight, as if he never really loved you at all.

You had said the 3 words and 8 letters. Just at the time when they had been irrelevant. You hadn't said them when they mattered. You said them when you had already lost Bucky. You said them at goodbye.

"I love you James Buchanan Barnes, and I always will,"