SHE BENT ME

Can't resist any longer

[JENNIE]

The silence of my friendship with Lisa breaks my heart every single day. I missed our interactions, our bond, and our intimate moments as friends.

I miss her teasing me.

I miss her smile.

I miss her hug.

I miss her voice and her laugh when we were together.

I miss her eyes. Those big brown eyes drown me every time I look at them. It just glitters just like her beautiful face.

I miss spending time with her when it was just the two of us in her house.

I miss everything about her.

These emotions that I'm having are too much to handle. I know that my friends find me odd now and I can sense that, but they don't know the real reason why I am acting like this.

Sometimes, I just wanna die but part of me still wants to breathe and stay alive. Still, finding reasons to stay alive.

I hated myself at the bar. I didn't know why I had the sudden urge to kiss that man. I actually want to vomit after that.

I was disgusted by myself. I loathed myself. I kissed him when I saw Lisa's reflection on the glass window. I was looking at the view at that time when suddenly a familiar figure reflected on the window, that's the time I grabbed the man for a kiss to avoid her. I hated that urge. I didn't understand myself.

I also hated myself for the humiliation I cause to Kai. He's avoiding me since then and I wanted to apologize but he won't accept it.

What's wrong with me? Is this because I lack attention from my parents? But it's not supposed to affect me. Is this because I've been dealing with things that a kid shouldn't be dealing with? Is this because of Lisa?

No, why her?

My emotions weren't ready for her. I wasn't ready to face her and there are a lot of things that are on my mind that I don't even know how and where to start.

Right. Why did I avoid her? Or why did I ignore her after what I did when we were in the hospital?

I myself wasn't even sure. I blamed the unprescribed medication or the pills that I'm taking every time I get trauma attacks of my past.

The past that I buried; the past that I don't want to remember. It only embraces painful, fearful, and heartbreaking memories. The past when I was a kid and the therapy that I hated.

I hate therapy. My parents put me in therapy when they saw me crying out of the blue and screamed of fear. I saw it all, I saw everything. I saw the dirty acts of that two-faced man.

I saw it with my two innocent eyes. I saw him kill someone and pulled out his organs and let his men deliver them somewhere. I saw him shot someone right in front my eyes.

It was a lot to handle for a child, and I was just a kid.

Tears are streaming on my face right now with the mixed emotions I'm dealing with. Their faces resonated on my mind, their crying faces, bloody face, and lifeless bodies.

I got lots of bad experiences when I was a kid but I never ever told my parents about it. No one knows about it aside from that dirty bastard and his men who shut me up and use threats.

My therapist was a jerk as well. He hasn't helped me at all, I only attended those sessions of my therapy just to please my parents, so that they will think that I am recovering from my trauma. I realized it was not the therapy that healed me, it was only myself. I am my own therapy.