Chemtober Challenge; Oneshots and Drawings.

THIRTEEN: The Ghost of You

Mom.

By the time you receive this letter, I know you will have received the news about Mikey. 

I am so sorry, mother. I have failed you.

I wish I could say in this letter that it was instant. That he barely felt any of it. But I can still hear him. His last words. The words that I couldn't make out but could hear his desperation. 

He called for you. He called for me. He was crying. Like time he'd gotten sick with the fever and cried. Remember? When his head would hurt and he would cry for me? And I couldn't go to him because you didn't want me to get sick too. 

It was just like that. 

Except this time, the screaming wasn't soothed. Father wasn't there to hold my hand while I watched you kiss Mikey's forehead. I wasn't picked up and carried back to my bedroom before the sun rose. I could hear him, so far across the beach. 

I wanted to hold him. Shush his cries, wipe his cheeks and kiss his forehead. 

I was too late. 

Remember when he and I would make things up? We would pretend we were soldiers and run around outside, pretending we were protecting the garden. I could save him when he called for help. He would run to me when I called his name.

That was nothing like this.

I was told they were taking the body back overseas. But I've heard rumors of bombings on the ships taking the soldiers home. Cant they see they've already won? Why can't they see they've already killed us all?

Some of the soldiers don't believe that the ships will make it back, but I'm praying they do. That he does.

Will you tell me if Mikey comes home? I don't know what I'll do if I do and he doesn't. I want us to be back home again. Together again and free at last. As together as we can be. 

Some of the privates have shell shock. I was told it's bad. I heard some of the other soldiers talking last night that they are surprised I'm not suffering from the same. 

I feel my brother's presence like a ghost. I wish I could speak to him, say I'm sorry. Tell him that I never wanted it to be this way.

Did they tell you it was my fault? Did they tell you I was the one who ordered my brother into the line of fire? I'll bet they didn't tell you I killed him. It wasn't my bullet but it may as well have been. They tried so hard to save him, mama, I hope you know that. I watched. Screamed at them to save him. But it didn't work. Nothing worked. And then he was gone. 

Oh mama I miss home so much. I just want to be home again. I want to feel the sunshine and see the sky. I want to remember what love feels like. 

He was still only a boy, mama. It should have been me. It should have been me.

I'm going to do my best to win this war. Because I want to win your freedom. I want you to have a chance for happiness, even if I destroyed that chance by letting my brother die. 

I cant feel anything, mama. I just want to go home. 

But if you don't want me to come home, I won't bother. 

-Gerard

um. I don't want to talk about it.

12-26-21