Oh Boy! (BL)

31 - Losing Him (2/3)

Losing Clay on this evening was something I should've seen coming. I'd made so many mistakes in these past months and had done nothing to deserve him that the least destiny could ask me to do was fight to make him stay by my side. And yet, when Clay turned his back to me and headed for the parking lot, it was as if I'd lost the ground below my feet.

"Wait!" I ran after him. "Clay, please! Let me explain!"

"Why should I?" He whirled around and pushed the hand I'd put on his arm away. "Give me one reason to listen to you!"

A reason. My face fell. "Because I love you."

Clay froze when I repeated my words with a croaking voice. "I love you."

He laughed but it was a bitter sound. "Sure... how much money did she give you to tell me that?"

"Clay, it's more complicated than that." I trembled. "I needed the money! For my mom! But...I stopped! The deal was off before we...before you and I..."

There was still no reaction on his side until... "But she did pay you at one point?"

"Yes," I whispered. "I know I should've told you..."

"Then why didn't you?!", he yelled and when I looked up, I was paralyzed when I saw tears shimmering in his eyes.

"Because I'm a coward." I punched the ground. "I was afraid, okay?"

"Afraid of what? Me finding out the truth?"

"No, you idiot! I was afraid of losing you!"

Clay's eyes moved up and down my body, crouched and crumbled on the ground in front of him. And I waited. As long as he didn't leave, there was still a chance for me to explain it to him. A chance to fix this.

But then he shook his head and turned away.

"Please," I whispered in a last attempt to make him stay.

Clay's feet moved him farther and farther away from me, and I thought that was it. I'd never get the chance to prove my love to him. But then he stopped. Tears were slowly streaming down his handsome face when he turned back around.

And then he held out his hand.

We could fix this. I'd tell him everything, and then everything would be okay again.

The tiny spark of hope reawakened in my heart, and I stumbled to my feet without hesitation. But while my heart was determined to make it right, the fresh snow on the pavement proved to be a problem for the smooth sole of my shoes. "Ah!" With my face forward, I landed on the snowy ground.

"Ken! Are you..." Clay's concern didn't last long, and I understood why when lifting my face from the snow. The envelope had fallen out of the pocket of my jacket and green dollar bills were flying through the air between us.

Clay watched the money fall slowly to the ground like the ashes of our love. "The deal's off, huh?"

"It is! I..."

"So you want to tell me that you carry - what? – hundreds of dollars with you every day?" He balled his hands into fists. "Keep on lying, Ken. Someday you might even believe yourself."

"Clay..."

"SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" He roared and shook his head. I wished he would look at me to see my desperation. "God, I was so stupid. So, f*cking stupid! Why did I have to fall in love with you?"

I whimpered. "Clay, please..."

"But that's over."

"No, Clay..."

He reached for his ear and ripped the black star out before throwing it into the snow in front of me. His eyes were like silver ice when he looked at me for the last time this evening.

For the last time in forever.

"We're done. Don't ever talk to me again!"

While my heart began to crack only to shatter into millions of tiny little pieces, I watched how Clay got into his car. There was no moment of hesitation when he started the engine and drove off the parking lot.

No. This couldn't be the end.

If I let him go now, I was certain, that was it. There would be no more second chances for us. My shaking hands found the black star in the snow and grabbed it before I stumbled to my feet only to see that the backlights of Clay's sedan had just disappeared around the corner of the street.

"Clay!"

I ran after him, faster than I'd ever run before in my life; clinging to the pin in my hand because it was the last thing of Clay I could reach. I knew I didn't have the slightest chance against a car, but if he only stopped at a red light close by, a stop sign...anything, I might've caught his attention in the rearview mirror.

I ran, and ran, and ran.

The cold made my hands turn blue. I fell once, twice, but got back up because I had to.

And there he was.

About one block away from school, a blue sedan was halting at a red light. I didn't even know if it was his car or just some random stranger who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

My heart didn't care about the eventualities. This had to be Clay!

My eyes were fixed on his car and his car alone. It was still standing. One step closer, only one... But then the lights turned green. No! My feet flew over the ground, but they couldn't prevent him from turning around yet another corner. Faster, Ken! I told myself. Faster!

I didn't see the houses I ran past anymore, or the streetlights...

...or the Mustang racing down the road.