Intertwined

Chapter 4

I curled up in a ball. Camila's arms wrap around me and place me on her lap. She says soothing words to me and gets me to calm down. But I can't calm down until I let it all out. "Camz, my parents made me shower and use the bathroom with the door open. They were scared I would commit suicide, which I totally would have done. My mom kept an eye on me for the first few months. She watched me in the evenings until I fell asleep. Eventually she stopped when I yelled at her that I wouldn't do anything. I found an escape in music. That would be the only time you'd hear me make a sound. I was voluntarily mute except when I was alone in my room singing. My parents dragged me to the X Factor one day. They said that if I didn't audition, Evangeline would get upset that I wasn't following my dreams. Only then did I remember that ever since I was a kid, I had wanted to become a singer. I had forgotten about it after the accident. Three years. Three years without thinking about the future I wanted before my life shattered into pieces. When I walked out on that stage, I was red from crying backstage and I was nervous but still put on a smile and pretended through it. My dad had been crying while I auditioned because it was the first time he had seen me living out my dreams and actually thinking about the future and not pleading my parents to take the pain away and kill me because of the past. When I made it through...that was the first time I smiled a genuine smile in years. I hadn't been eating and I continued that all throughout X Factor. Evangeline's and my bullies had been bullying me even more at school before my audition. They mocked me because my best friend wasn't there to defend me anymore. They sent me really mean texts, verbally and physically abused me. They kept making me feel worse. They had been calling me fat, stupid, worthless, and many more names up until X Factor. I believed them. I wasn't eating all that much already since I was severely depressed because of the crash but them calling me fat and worthless made me believe it. I stopped eating completely and only ate something small every now and then. I had been cutting since 15. But luckily for me, I knew how to hide them. I've bought pills for anxiety and weight-loss and lived off of them. I still do take weight-loss pills. I still starve myself. I still cut, obviously. I still tear myself down every day. Lately, all the bullies' have been replying to my tweets. The comments have gotten to me even more now. The crash keeps on replaying in my mind all the time. I don't know what is wrong with me. I haven't had energy to move, to speak, to eat, to function. I've been going blank and feeling empty for months now. But it's gotten worse. I don't sleep anymore. I don't have emotion. I don't even know what happens around me. I wander the streets at night. Before me fainting, I hadn't slept in days. Soon enough I couldn't even take my night walks anymore. I hadn't eaten in almost two weeks and hadn't slept in days when I fainted. Today, I purged my breakfast. I don't want to get fat. I can't. Everyone will judge and hate me. I need to lose weight. Camila, I just want this all to end. I can't handle living like this anymore. Please, just kill me. KILL ME!" I just cried my heart out on Camila's lap. She was crying too. She held me tight and rubbed my back. Not knowing what to say, Camila picked me up and carried me to her car and put me in the passenger's seat, buckling my seat belt. She rounded the car and got in the driver's seat. Once her seat belt was put on, she started the car and drove back to our house. She parked the car in our driveway and carried me inside. I was still a sobbing mess. She took me up to my bedroom. Once there, she texted the girls and my parents letting them know where we are. The girls texted back saying they'd be home in an hour or two. Camila pulled me up and stood me in front of the full length mirror. I shut my eyes tightly, not wanting to see the horrific reflection in front of me.

"Lauren, open your eyes." I obeyed and slowly opened them. I looked everywhere but the mirror. "Look in the mirror Laur." She said. I looked at myself, utterly disgusted. A tear slipped out of my eyes and rolled down my face. "Don't cry. You see this?" She grabbed the end of my shirt asking for permission. I hesitantly nodded. She took my cardigan and shirt off. She pointed to my rib cage. "This isn't healthy. You are way to skinny Lauren. I can count everyone of your ribs. Your bones jut out, that isn't normal. Your legs have such a large thigh gap that they just look like bones. Your hip bones look like they belong to a skeleton...Your whole body looks like a skeleton. When I carried you..."She takes a deep breath, steadying her voice and clearing her throat in order to not cry. "You weighed about as much as my seven-year old sister. Lauren...You're 18. Not seven. How much do you weigh?" The horrified look on my face met her sad face. I looked down in shame. I made Camila cry. I whisper, "72 pounds" This time it was her who looked horrified. She looked at me in disbelief. She's probably surprised by how fat I am. She looked at me with sympathy. "Lauren, you could die. That is way too low. Do you see that?" She points to my scar-covered arm through the mirror. I nod. "Those are your battle scars, like Demi said. Those scars show how hard you fought your battle and that you won. I don't wanna see any fresh ones on your wrist anymore. I don't want you fighting any more battles. I'm here now. I'll fight with you." 

I stared in the mirror and when I looked at my face I cringed. At that moment Camila turned me around fiercely. I saw fire in her eyes when she looked in to my eyes. "Lauren, listen closely okay? You are BEAUTIFUL. You are GORGEOUS. You are KIND. You are LOYAL. You are TRUSTWORTHY. You are PERFECT. YOU ARE NOT UGLY. YOU ARE NOT FAT. YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS. YOU ARE NOTHING NEGATIVE. YOU ARE STRONG AND BEAUTIFUL. DO NOT LET ANYONE TELL YOU YOU ARE NOT PERFECT BECAUSE YOU ARE!" She said with such determination in her voice. When she finished she tucked one of my loose hairs behind my ear. She looks like she is battling herself over something as she paces a little. She suddenly turns around and looks into my eyes before crashing her lips onto mine.