Chasing Sunsets

41

I sighed, bending down and sliding the shoes onto each of my feet. "I don't know. I like him, he seems to like me."

"Seems to," Bella laughed out. "He likes you, for sure."

"He was weird today," I explained, shaking my head. "When I got in trouble for talking to Brock in English, he looked pissed, and then he left without saying anything to me."

"Aw," Bella gushed, "he's jealous. That's so cute."

"He has no reason to be jealous," I reminded her. "We're not dating, and even if we were, Brock is just my friend."

"You're forgetting something," Bella told me, causing me to look up at her. She grinned, shaking her head. "Boys are stupid."

I rolled my eyes, but, I had to admit, she had a point.

"What else?" Bella asked me, "what else is holding you back?"

I looked back at her, surprised she was able to decipher what was on my mind even when it wasn't currently present.

"Tell me," she urged me, causing me to sigh again.

"I just..." I started, remembering the conversation I had with Brock today. "I feel like we're moving on without her."

Bella's face fell, just for a second, before she patted the bed beside her. I took the hint, moving across the room and sitting beside her. She grabbed my hand once I was there, taking it in both of her own.

"I know," she said gently. "I feel it too. Like, I feel guilty that I have moments where I'm not thinking about her. I feel guilty when I have moments that I'm genuinely happy, because it feels like I shouldn't be happy when she can't be happy. Like, I only have room for missing her. I know, Indie, I feel it too."

I nodded, my soul feeling the relief that once again, Bella was on this horrible journey of grief beside me. I don't know how I would have navigated these seas without her.

"But," she continued, "it's not true."

"What's not true?"

"There's room for both," Bella said. "We can miss her, and love her, and need her while still living. And, I don't know, maybe there's a piece of us that was lost with her, that we will never see again. A piece of each of us that will always belong to Isla... but the rest of us is still here on this earth."

"The hardest part of grief is finding the part of you that died with them," I repeated Chase's words from the time we spent at the field, maybe he had been exactly right.

Bella was silent for a moment, as she seemingly spun my words around in her mind. "Exactly. And, like I said, maybe that part of us will always be with her, maybe we'll never find it again, but it's not fair to the rest of us that is still here to not feel anything other than pain. Isla wouldn't want that either."

"I know," I agreed, "I know she wouldn't want that, but..."

"No buts," Bella interrupted me, squeezing my hand. "Not buts, Indie. Don't let yourself lose a protentional relationship with a great guy because you lost her. It won't bring her back, all that will happen is that you'll lose two people instead of one."

***

With Bella's words still echoing in my mind, we drove down the long and empty road that had confused us so much the first time we drove it. It was quiet in the car, with only the speaker playing music at a reasonable volume. I think we were both digesting the conversation we just had.

And, I knew it was a conversation that I needed to hear. Bella was right, of course. Living my life in guilt wasn't going to bring Isla back. I understood it, but it didn't erase the feeling that Isla's ghost was in my backseat, driving with us like she had been so many times.