Without Jaxton (Loving Jaxton Book #2)

forgiveness - chapter 9

"Maybe five years of my life back, or better yet a real explanation instead of 'I couldn't handle it', that would be a good start" I rant out bluntly.

"Fine. I'll give you five more years, the best five years of your life, with me only. I'll make it worth it, I swear I'll make it up to you Ry, and for an explanation how about this, I hated seeing you pregnant. With Maddie I was excited to be a dad, with Lance and Kurt, I fucking hated knowing you were pregnant. Call me fucked up in the head or whatever but the fact that they took your attention away messed with me. I thought you loved me, and when you picked Lance, that shit messed with me. Add on top of that the fact that I was going through so much shit, questioning if I should have married you, questioning if running a gym would take care of you, giving you whatever you deserve, I felt like I had ten thousand pounds on my shoulders. I was going through a lot Ry, and even suicide passed my mind a few times, anyway, Now, I've got multiple branches, multiple incomes, I'm making enough that I'm more than okay and so are you, and now I'm learning how having children makes life that much better. Rylee I'm sorry for what I did. I was a kid and so were you, we didn't know what we were doing. There's not a fucking excuse and I'm so sorry. I told you, I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you. Whatever that is, I'm here for it." He tells me as I look into his watery eyes.

I feel a tear slip down my face as I quickly wipe it away and look away from him. I want to say no, and I want to hold a grudge over him, but he just told me what I needed to hear, the reasons why. "Did I cause you to leave? Be honest, was I too much?" I ask soflty. I'm upset, I had no idea those things, suicide?

"No, I felt like you were done already, and that I should have been too." he tells me reaching out to hold my hand. He closes his palm around it as he brings it with his to his chin. He leans forward and keeps it there as he drops to his knees in front of me.

"Ry, baby, I'm begging for another chance. I'm so sorry. Why do you think I've been silent for five years? I've been trying to figure out what to say, and I can't do it. So my way of apologizing was being an awesome dad and I still want that, but I want my woman back too." He tells me holding my hand as I sit in front of him. "How do I know you're serious?" I ask as he rubs my hand.

"I am, no bullshit. You know me and you know when I lie, I'm not Ry. I love you, always have and always will." he tells me as I look down at him. I'm crying behind my sunglasses by the time he's done. And it's because I love him that much, I know I still love him, and it hurts so bad because I don't want too, not after what he's done. But I can't control my heart and I'm utterly in love with him.

"I'm not making any promises, but I'll think and really consider it" I whisper softly as he immediately nods and stands up. He reaches for me and takes me into his arms hugging me as he kisses the side of my head and holds me into his chest. I give up fighting and wrap my arms around his neck when big, full tears run down my face.

I know he hears me when he starts talking and I shut him up, "No Jax, you hurt me so bad, and I can't promise that I'll forgive you overnight but I'm going to try for our kids. I'm so mad at you, I wanted a life with you." I whisper to him.

"We can still have one. I'm not that immature guy anymore Ry, I promise I won't hurt you or the kids again." he tells me rubbing my back. I pull away and remove my sunglasses as I look into his eyes and he wipes my tears away.

"Do you promise me that this will never happen again?" I ask as he nods, "Yes".

"Do you promise me that you'll be here for me, and the kids, no matter what happens? Jax we took vows, thick and thin, not just thick." I whisper as he nods, "And I finally understand that now, I promise."

"Will you be here for me and the kids? Emotionally, mentally, physically, all of it?" I ask him as he nods, "I swear I will" he tells me reaching to hold both my bare hands in his. He rubs my manicured soft pink nails when he reaches up and then rubs my face.

"Ry I still love you like I did the day we got married, if anything I know I love you more than that" he tells me pulling me closer to him as I look over his shoulder seeing the boys play as Maddie dries off in a towel.

"I still love you too" I whisper vulnerably as he looks down at me and smiles. His eyes fill when he blinks them away and starts smiling wider, his contagious smile he only does when he's really happy.

"Can we give this another shot Ry?" he asks softly as I nod and he instantly leans down and kisses me on the lips. He grabs my body and pulls it to him as he wraps his arms around my waist. I move my hand to his hair to hold him in place when he grips my hips and kisses me that much harder. The same feeling of outer love just feels there, like it used to, before our rough patch.

I pull away when I hear the boys yelling for Jax to come through the football with them. He pulls away at the same time and smiles as he kisses my cheek and forehead. "God knows I made the right decision marrying you. We'll talk later." he tells me as I nod smiling. He reaches behind me and grabs my ass surprising me as he smacks it.

"Missed that part too" he whispers kissing my lips one time before walking off to our boys. I stand holding my lips to keep from smiling as he winks back at me and walks to the grass.

I missed that too. He'd do that all the time and honestly, the fact that a man that hot would love me and marry me made it all worth it.

And for the first time in five years I have something really special, hope for my husband.