Cursed to the Bone

46. Guilty Conscience

"Vera—"

"I broke her out of the trap. I begged him not to but he . . . to her neck. I can't get her eyes out of my head. She told me to run, even as he . . . even—I'm the reason she's—" I swallowed as the claws of guilt tightened around my throat and made it impossible to say the word dead. "I was so worried about me, I never thought—I didn't think! I should have left! I should have gone home."

"Please, do not do this." Lucien stood at the entrance of the cubby, his shadow cast over the wall. "It will destroy you."

I shook my head. "But we didn't even get her daughter. I couldn't keep my eyes shut!"

"Stop it," Lucien said. He dragged me to the edge of the cubby until I was sitting before him. Our stares met. "No one blames you for that. It was not your fault. We should not have left you in the company of Killian Rhodes. I should be asking for your forgiveness. It is not you placing them all in danger, it is me."

My eyes burned again and I let the tears go as an anguished cry burst free. The frustration that churned in my heart was agony. I wanted to scream and run until I couldn't any longer. I'd rather have all my bones broken any day. "Lucien," I cried, clutching at my sweatshirt. "It's my fault. Professor Ishida. I can't . . . I can't forgive myself. She's never going to be again. She's gone. I should have just gone with him! Why didn't I just go?"

Lucien glanced at his bed and sighed before he crawled into the cubby. He made himself comfortable against the pillow and gestured me forward. "Come here."

My tears dried a little in my reluctance, but I waddled toward him in the blanket and leaned into his embrace. It was unnerving how much I liked the way he smelled. Like pine. Almost like being lost in a cool forest. Somehow, I felt safe.

Unwinding the hair-tie from my bun, he brushed his fingers through my hair. He did it so well I thought I might fall asleep right then. "Cry as much as you want to. As much as you need to. I will be here with you the whole time." He offered a handkerchief. "This is not your burden to bear alone. Please allow me to support you."

"Just this once," I said, voice cracking as I took his handkerchief. I brought it to my face, noting that this would make three handkerchiefs of his that I'd made off with. I'd have to wash and return them as soon as possible. "Thanks."

"Any time."

Some hours later, I woke in Lucien's bed. The curtains were drawn shut and candles were lit along the sturdy surfaces of the room. My best guess was that they were enchanted so that nothing would burn given the perilous proximity of the papers. Reaching up to cover my yawn, I wiped a streak of drool from my face and grimaced. Goddess, how embarrassing. I hoped I didn't drool all over Lucien.

Speaking of whom, he was hunched over his desk with a book. Asleep, by the sounds of his breathing. That was awkward. I climbed from the bed and tiptoed to the bathroom, intending to wash my face. The door clicked shut behind me and as I caught sight of myself I gasped. Even in the dimness of candle-light I could tell my eyes were still bright-red. Coolness washed over me as I felt my panic grow.

The door swung open and I shrank away from it with a yelp. It was Lucien. I pressed a hand to my heart as he searched the room and finally frowned at me.

"What is it?"

It came as no surprise that he was a light sleeper. I studied the mirror, squinting at my eyes. "They're red still. Are they going to turn back? It isn't permanent, right?"

Lucien leaned into the doorframe and rubbed his eyelids. "It is the price of blood magic. The more you use it, the longer it takes to go away. You have used so much in the last few months that your blood cells are taking a while longer to heal. I am surprised you know the cost, but have no fear." He dropped his hand and met my stare. The way he looked at me, I knew he was certain of what he was about to say. "You will become a vampire before I allow you to turn feral."

"Oh." Pushing my hair behind my ears, I resisted a shiver from the chill that traveled my spine. I knew it was supposed to be comforting but it sounded like a threat. Knowing so little about vampires, I wasn't sure how I felt about being turned. "Rhodes warned me about it. At the festival."

"If you are concerned, avoid using blood magic." Lucien slid my hair-tie from his wrist and held it out to me. "When you are done in here, you should try to sleep a while longer to reset your schedule. I can spell you to sleep if you need."

I took the hair-tie and pulled my hair into a ponytail. "Maybe I should return to my dorm so you can sleep, Lu—" I stopped myself, surprised how easily his name came to me. When did that happen? I cleared my throat. "Lacroix."

He smiled. "You called me by my name today. Are you only feeling shy about it now?"

Did I? My cheeks warmed. Why did he have to point it out? "It wasn't on purpose."

"Use whichever you prefer." Lucien turned. "As for my sleep, you need not worry. I am keeping an eye on you for the night as a precaution."

"You think Rhodes will come back?" I asked, following him to the doorway as he returned to his desk.

He spared a glance over his shoulder. "It is a precaution, as I said. Think nothing of it."

Easier said than done, but okay.

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